Tag Archives: Tony Abbott

PM rules out tax hike

….Prime Minister Tony Abbott has ruled out raising taxes to fund Australia’s participation in the coalition against IS militants in Iraq and Syria.

Google image result for “Australian coalition in Middle-East”

….The clarification comes after comments made by Treasurer Joe Hockey last week suggesting new  budget cuts would have to be made to pay for Australia’s annual $500 million AUD military involvement and $630 million AUD expansion of Australian security agencies.

….Despite the PM’s assurances, concern is still bubbling in the community. Head of the Australian Thesaurus Association (ATA) Verr Bosse told Robolenin.com that the PM had his work ahead of him in ruling out synonyms for the word tax.

….“The PM said that there won’t be a tax hike,” Bosse said, in an exclusive interview. “But he didn’t rule out many of the wonderful synonyms for tax such as, contribution, cost, duty, expense, levy, price, rate, tariff, dues, excise, imposition, impost, obligation, tithe, toll, or tribute.”

….“This is a government which believes in lower taxes, not higher taxes,” the Prime Minister said, referring to his government’s policy of cutting public services instead of marginally increasing tax rates for high income earners.

….The government has belayed concerns about a possible rising cost in Iraq by unveiling its new military carpooling system.

Soldiers drill carpooling techniques
Soldiers drill carpooling techniques

….“The new military carpooling system will ensure that even if our involvement in the region escalates, we will never ever exceed annual expenditure of $500 million AUD,” a military spokesperson said.

….Meanwhile, Robolenin.com correspondents entrenched in Bill Shorten’s house have reported that the opposition leader has been losing sleep of late.

….Seemingly regretful of the opposition’s complete compliance with government policy, Shorten now wakes several times a night.

(Photocredit/Leon) Taken 3A.M. Shorten residence.
(Photocredit/Leon T) Taken 3A.M. Shorten residence.

….“This death and deficit government,” Shorten reportedly mumbles, shackled within the cold prison of his own making.

“Fuck that would poll well… ‘Death and deficit,’ shit.”

Abbott calls for action on binge drinking

….“We need to tackle this issue in a comprehensive and considered way. We don’t need knee-jerk reactions and stunts that give the illusion of action, but don’t make any real, lasting difference,” wrote Tony Abbott in his open letter to the nation shortly before stating the the matter was “in the hands of state and local governments.”
….“Boxing taught me many things, including the power of a single punch… we all want to see the courts absolutely throw the book at people who perpetuate this kind of gratuitous, unprovoked violence,” Abbott continued, unaware of the damage George R. R. Martin’s A Storm of Swords can cause when hurled at the back of someone’s head on a busy Saturday night.
….Elsewhere in his magnum opus Abbott compared the outrageous drinking habits of ‘youngsters’ to the healthy manner in which the older generation drinks. “… there’s a world of difference between having two or three drinks a night and occasionally a bit more on a Sunday night and this new binge drinking culture which sees young people drinking nothing from one week to the next and then, when they decide to have a drink, not knowing when or how to stop,” the Prime Minister wrote.
….It is indeed a mystery how a new generation could turn something so healthy as 14-21+ drinks a week into something so ugly as a dozen drinks on the weekend.
….At the same time a recent spate of marijuana fueled violence has failed to draw comment from the Prime Minister.
….“I just said that I was a big fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Books and I had a backlog of other things to watch,” said one man who preferred to stay anonymous.
“He proceeded to quite slowly wail on me, stopping only when he momentarily forgot what he was doing,” he said.
….Spokesperson for the Australian Association of Weedaholics, Saweet Sativa said that she was not surprised by people’s actions. “Some people are predisposed to violence with certain substances,” she said. “It’s a shame but it’s also a fact of life that some people are just biologically predisposed to become hyper violent while hitting a bong in their parents basement. Luckily these have had a lot of success drinking alcohol instead. Honestly we’re just lucky they have the choice.”

Behind the Satire
I have to admit I felt a little guilty writing this piece. That is to say despite my attitude towards satire as a constructive force in itself I felt compelled to write an afterword. While reading articles connected to Abbott’s open letter I came across tragic stories of violence that have left lives and families shattered.
After a night of drinking a man punches another man in the back of the head. Tomorrow the headline reads, teen binge drinking epidemic. It’s a very neat way of squaring the blame at the younger generation. These kids have just started drinking to excess for no reason whatsoever. Alcohol just necessarily leads to violence.
Or does it?
In the six months I’ve been living in Laos (Southeast Asia) I’ve not seen one fight. Not one punch, not one push, not even one burst of profanity. It seems pretty far away from Hindley St in Adelaide where walking down to your favorite bar is like doing a slalom around guys beating the living shit out of each other.
And that’s not to say that the Lao don’t like getting drunk. They definitely do. But their ‘binge drinking culture’ just doesn’t have that violent aspect to it.
Blaming drunken violence on ‘binge drinking culture’ is an easy way to avoid the painful truth that it’s not binge drinking that’s the problem. It’s us.
It’s our conception of masculinity in Australia that is driving violence on our streets, not alcohol. In many ways men drink heavily because they think it’s a ‘manly’ activity. In a society where our Prime Minister instructs us, for our health, to only have three drinks a night plus more on the weekends every person with a predisposition for alcoholism will surely feel its pull.
What does it mean to be a man? What exactly do we tell our boys from a young age? How does mass media, popular culture and I think most importantly Australian culture inform the way that males behave?
A man is ‘supposed’ to not cry, or accept insult, or be beaten in a contest of bravado.  An Australian man is meant to be no-nonsense, he’s meant to be ‘blokey’ he’s meant to be crass and tough.
If a man is beaten in a contest of bravado, if someone shows up his machismo, then he is less of a man and more of a woman. It’s almost impossible to argue that being seen as feminine in mainstream male Australian culture isn’t undesirable.
The only way for the man to correct the grievance, to reclaim his rightful masculinity, is to display his dominance and perform an act of violence.
Don’t get me wrong, the mainstream idea of what it is to be feminine is equally absurd, but there are plenty of wonderful and far better versed feminist writers and activists who talk about this issue that I won’t go into it here.
The phenomenon of binge drinking has encompassed the public discourse because it allows us to distance ourselves from our own culpability.
Again, what makes a man want to punch another man over some minor grievance? What makes him think that nothing less than striking a perfect stranger will keep the respect of his friends? What makes him think that the kind of respect that requires violence is worth having?
Until we face the cold truth that we have become a society that values the transformation of men into monsters imbued with a violent code of conduct we will never stop our violent ‘binge drinking epidemic’.

Libs refuse to rule out $5 GP fee

The Commission of Audit established by Prime Minister Tony Abbott has struck pure gold once again with a recommendation to impose a $5 charge for bulk billed visits to your GP.
The move, described by observers as “almost as good of an idea as privatizing HECS debt” has received universal acclaim with almost nobody thinking that it was a really really dumb fucking idea.
Minister for Health, Peter Dutton has refused to clarify speculation about the proposal.

File photo of a doctor
File photo of ‘a doctor’

“The commission’s work is still being compiled and will be provided to the government in 2014,” Dutton said in a prepared statement. “The government will be able to consider any recommendations and respond after that time,” he concluded.
The Australian Centre for Health Research has urged the Coalition government to consider the move which could potentially improve the budget’s health by $750 million dollars over four years.
A research paper prepared by Tony Abbott’s former health adviser Terry Barnes has argued that a co-payment system could significantly reduce the amount of GP visits.
“This is very affordable to most Australian households, even the less well off. We’re talking about the cost of a burger and fries,” Barnes actually said alluding to his love for Happy Meals® in the 1990s.

Google image result for 'Australian Barnes'
Google image result for ‘Australian Barnes’

The Australian health system has been plagued for years by unnecessary trips to the doctor. Observers have said that every step should be taken to discourage people from going to see their GP, especially men who are generally known for their zealousness in addressing potential health concerns.
The Australian taxpayer can only hope that cries of “I should get this strange lump examined” or “I am in a tumultuous emotional state and need to speak to a medical professional,” will be silenced by implementation of the policy.
Under the plan pensioners and concession card holders will be exempt from the fee. Nuclear families will receive 12 free visits per year as they attempt to survive assassination by homosexuals and polygamists.
The proposition has received so much support from the community that other sectors of Australian life are planning similar legislation. Constable Faye Kname of South Australian Police (SAPOL) is leading the push for a $5 fee to go outside your house.

A speed camera (pictured) captures dangerous criminals
A speed camera (pictured) captures dangerous criminals

“Studies have indicated an almost irrefutable link between leaving ones house and the committing of petty crime,” Kname said in a prepared statement.
“A fee to discourage people from leaving their homes would both help the state budget and allow Police to divert resources to more important matters like revenue generation,” she concluded.


The Coalition government has received mixed criticism for a raft of proposed changes to Australia’s taxation and superannuation systems. The government will abandon Labor plans to tax super earnings of over $100,000 dollars. At the same time the Liberals will reverse an arrangement which contributes an additional $500 per annum to super funds of individuals earning under $37,000 a year. Coalition voters have universally praised the superannuation policy, perceived by many as an end to the insidious wealth redistribution of the previous government.

No Coalition voter has ever been found to earn less than $36,000 a year
Average Coalition voter

However it’s not all good news for Australian taxpayers, public outrage has sparked over the proposed increase of $2.50 to a pack of 20 cigarettes.
“Look, frankly we’re pretty disappointed with the Coalition’s stance on smokers,” said Greg Davies, Programme Coordinator for the Department of Binge Smoking. “The long held wisdom of trickle-down durrynomics is very clear about good fiscal policy. If you punish the people smoking durries then less people are going to keep on buying packs to contribute tax to the government or hand durries out to other people,” he said. “If you punish the heavy smokers, then people will just start up smoking overseas and the Australian taxpayer will suffer as a consequence,” Davies concluded.

Pictured above: a real Australian hero
Pictured above: a real Australian hero

It’s a sentiment echoed by many Australians who have moved overseas to avoid the staggeringly high cigarette prices. “When we looked at the numbers we realised that it was just too expensive to start a nicotine addiction in Australia,” said Ralph Kenny who has started his own nicotine addiction in Uganda. “The government over here offers fewer restrictions to the smoking of darts, and doesn’t punish those who do.”
South Australian MP, Joe Monash appears to agree with dissenters. In a statement released by his office this morning he wrote:
“South Australia used to have one of the highest rates of smoking in the country back in the 60s and 70s. It was a history that we could be proud of and I personally don’t think that we would have seen the great Australian addiction we have today without it.”

South Australian pioneer durrymakers
South Australian pioneer durrymakers

Labor have attacked the plan saying that if anything the government should be handing out free cigarettes. That position has caused discord with the Greens who this afternoon released a statement saying that everyone’s durries should be collected and then distributed equally.

Libs considers selling your HECS debt to private sector

In line with their party policy of cartoonish supervillainy, the Liberal government will consider selling your HECS debt to private sector investors.
The totally insane and egregiously offensive idea, uncovered by The West Australian, comes as part of the Government’s Commission of Audit. Treasurer Joe Hockey soothed Australia’s worries by telling The West that the Audit would be similar to the one conducted by the Howard government in ’96. Yay.

Economic genius Joe Hockey
Economic genius Joe Hockey

The ‘securitisation’ of Australia’s $22.6 billion AUD HECS debt would involve selling the responsibility for your HECS to the private sector, which would then be onsold to other investors. Whether or not this means that interest will be able to be applied to your debt is unknown. But wouldn’t it be genius for superannuation funds to invest in the burgeoning student misery market? It would be like the cherry on top of the irony cake, filled with a creamy center of becoming a politician because of a free university education then making the next generation pay for the same privilege. Delicious.

Superannuation funds should totally invest in student debt
Superannuation funds should totally invest in student debt

Mr. Bernard Livingston Smithe, Head of the Arts and Philosophy Megacorporation, ARTSCORP, told this reporter that the move would be good revenge for arts students across the country.
“After the great mining and engineering crash of last month and the meteoric rise in the profitability of arts degrees, we’ll finally get our own back against all those engineers,” Smithe said.
“They always joked about Arts students working at McDonalds, but now that a Philosophy degree has a 95% employment rate with a base wage of over $100,000 AUD we’ll see who gets the last laugh. If they didn’t want to be at risk of economic moves like the government is considering, they should have studied a sensible degree like Visual Art,” he concluded.

Oh, I almost forgot. They’re also considering selling Australia Post, because this type of shit worked out so well last time.

Maybe super funds could invest in Australia Post too!
Maybe super funds could invest in Australia Post too!

Link to The West Australian article

Neoliberal fever sweeps Asia

Displays of solidarity have broken out across south-east Asia in support of Australia’s new conservative coalition government.
Tony Abbott, who was sworn into office on Sept. 18 by the Governor General, has become somewhat of a cult figure among more impoverished parts of the region. Celebratory events have been held in a variety of cities and villages as news of new Australian government policy spreads.
‘Neoliberal fever’, as the phenomenon has been named, has captured the hearts and minds of a people who now look to Australia as a beacon of hope and prosperity.

Local celebrations for the first annual Tony Abbott festival
Local celebrations for the first annual Tony Abbott festival

“It’s heartening to see that Aussies have recaptured the spirit of their land,” said Mr. Xieng Wanxing during his village’s celebrations. “Tony Abbott’s ‘new Australian deal’ to put a Holden Commodore or a Ford Falcon in every pot is the envy of the world,” he said.
In the province of Huuxi, a giant statue of the Australian PM has been erected in the town square, as a reminder of what is possible when people simply believe.
“We’re glad to see Australia has stopped the expansion of its foreign aid expenditure,” Mayor of Huuxi said. “For too long the Labor government let foreign aid get in the way of every Australian’s manifest destiny. Only now under Abbot’s leadership are we sure that every Australian will achieve the dream of owning a house with two-car-garage and several investment units in Sydney’s west,” he concluded.

A child ironically plays with a wheel to protest the cost of high-end consumer electronics in Australia
A child ironically plays with a wheel to protest the cost of high-end consumer electronics in Australia

The sentiment is echoed by everyone in the community but especially those who have fallen on hard times.
“It’s good to see the new government discard the ineffective Labor party policies.” one man said. “Free public healthcare and education reforms were getting in the way of tax-cuts for big business. We wish our own government would trust more in the trickle down effect and just look at the science. It functions exactly like the chocolate fountain I have in my jacuzzi,” he concluded.
Rural communities are banding together and selling handicrafts to support Abbott’s plans to build road infrastructure in Sydney’s west. Head of the Asian Australian Western Sydney Trust told media that for too long Asia had remained silent about the extensive commute that Sydneysiders had to endure.

A woman sells fruits and vegetables to raise money for West Sydney's road deveopment
A woman sells fruits and vegetables to raise money for West Sydney’s road development

“If we can reduce someone’s commute to work by just ten minutes, then I think we’ll be making a real change for the better,” she said.