….Australia’s Coalition government announced today the implementation of its12.4 24 billion AUD Pensioner Heating Assistance Programme (PHAP). In a rare show of bipartisanship the government will go ahead with the plan, formulated under the previous Labor government. ….The announcement comes just days before the public release of the government’s Commission of Audit. The report is expected to recommend vast changes to government expenditure with big-spend welfare programmes slated to be cut. PHAP has been described by political observers as a move by the government to assure Australia’s ageing population that they will be no worse off under the changes.
….Under PHAP, pensioners will be moved en masse to state of the art nursing home facilities in Williamtown, NSW and Tindal, NT. Tarmacs enclosing the nursing homes will see constant sorties of F-35 Joint Strike Fighters, especially during the winter months. ….“It is of the highest importance that we uphold the social contract to our elderly,” said government spokesperson Massif Fanker. “We will not let the people who built this country go cold because of rising electricity costs. We simply won’t allow human suffering for some kind of frivolous and utterly unnecessary government expenditure,” concluded Fanker.
….PHAP will also enable pensioners to supplement their incomes by salvaging broken parts of the jets and selling them for scrap. Head of the Joint Strike Fighter (JSF) programme Lieutenant Chris Bogdan stated during a recent visit to Australia that as more planes enter active service parts are coming off the aircraft “too frequently” for maintenance. ….“It’ll be a bit like an easter egg hunt,” said Fanker. “The F-35 hasn’t even met its reliability goal of 50 percent. Currently the aircraft operates for four hours between critical failures, so there’ll always be some kind of malfunction to keep the elderly busy.” ….Some members of the left have criticised the move saying that the money could be better spent on trees, rescuing wallabies or returning the budget to surplus. The criticism lead to a response from the Coalition stating that they had found the Jets in the wine cellar at Kirribilli and if anything it was Labor’s jet-debt.
….“Of course the PHAP programme does have a secondary function,” said Fanker. “These are state of the art vehicles of destruction, no doubt about it. With the continued forced liberalisation of ethnically Australian people in New Zealand, PHAP is a necessary deterrent. The rehabilitation of Australians who return as pro-gay-hobbit-lovers is a continuing and acute drain on the taxpayer purse,” he concluded. When asked if Australia would consider the Annexation of New Zealand Fanker winked and replied; “We’ll see.” …Trial PHAP programmes have seen such great success that the Coalition government is looking into other methods to increase the quality of life for at-risk groups. One such programme, still in its developmental stage will aim to provide much needed mobility for disabled individuals by transporting them on the hulls of a new Australian submarine fleet. The Disabled Underwater Mobility Baseline (DUMB) aims to insure that no disabled Australian is negatively affected by budgetary cuts.
Terrified by the potential influx of immigrants from the recent super-typhoon Hiyan, Australians are digging deep to ensure that what happens in the Philippines stays in the Philippines. Breaking their usual radio-silence on boats and boat related issues, the Coalition government has urged Australian citizens to donate to humanitarian efforts in order to ensure the future of Australian Caucasian sovereignty.
“Prevention is better than a cure,” Minister for Cessation of Floating Transportation Platforms told this reporter. “Housing refugees, as well as the dilution of our way of life is a very expensive enterprise. If every Australian donated enough for a can of beans, a tarp and a bottle of water, then that’s one more Filipino family who won’t want to seek refuge in Australia,” he concluded.
It’s a sentiment echoed by many prominent voices in the community including the spokesperson for the Thinly Veiled Racism Association, Heimac Untt. “We’re of course extremely concerned about the welfare of people in the Philippines,” Untt said. “And you know many prominent scientists say that enduring the inevitable societal, economic and traumatic aftermath of the disaster will be better for those people than journeying by boat to Australia. It’s like Alfred when he talks to Bruce Wayne, why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. Which is exactly why we should show zero amnesty to those fleeing their utterly destroyed homeland,” he concluded.
The federal government has announced a raft of measures to prevent not only Filipino but other arrivals from troubled parts of the world. In a document released to the media Friday, the Coalition outlined their plans to increase co2 emissions and introduce Velociraptors to Christmas Island.
A press statement released parallel to the documents describes the methodology behind the co2 increase. “In league with our commitment to discourage boat arrivals we will be increasing Australia’s co2 emissions. The result of which will increase extreme weather patterns in oceanic lanes used by people smugglers and send a strong message. Whatever terrors people are fleeing from, the Australian government is willing to at least match or increase those terrors, only then will we be able to fulfill our humanitarian commitments.” The document concludes that the immigration problem faced by Australia is definitely the worst in the world. “The problem of refugees and illegal immigration in Australia is definitely the worst in the world. Other countries might only get one or two refugees per year since they’re separated by long distances of land. Australia however is surrounded by easy-to-traverse water, you basically sit down the whole time,” the report states. “These new arrivals won’t be anything like the last generation of immigrants who contributed to the proliferation of adopted Saturday-night classics like Gyros and Pizza.”
The latest polling data suggests that Filipino immigrants will be ‘scary’ and will try to ‘vampirically consume all that we used to hold dear’.”
Australians fearing an influx of Filipino immigrants can shore up the country’s defense against boat arrivals by donating at the Philippine Red Cross website or simply leave their car running in the driveway overnight.