In line with their party policy of cartoonish supervillainy, the Liberal government will consider selling your HECS debt to private sector investors.
The totally insane and egregiously offensive idea, uncovered by The West Australian, comes as part of the Government’s Commission of Audit. Treasurer Joe Hockey soothed Australia’s worries by telling The West that the Audit would be similar to the one conducted by the Howard government in ’96. Yay.
The ‘securitisation’ of Australia’s $22.6 billion AUD HECS debt would involve selling the responsibility for your HECS to the private sector, which would then be onsold to other investors. Whether or not this means that interest will be able to be applied to your debt is unknown. But wouldn’t it be genius for superannuation funds to invest in the burgeoning student misery market? It would be like the cherry on top of the irony cake, filled with a creamy center of becoming a politician because of a free university education then making the next generation pay for the same privilege. Delicious.
Mr. Bernard Livingston Smithe, Head of the Arts and Philosophy Megacorporation, ARTSCORP, told this reporter that the move would be good revenge for arts students across the country.
“After the great mining and engineering crash of last month and the meteoric rise in the profitability of arts degrees, we’ll finally get our own back against all those engineers,” Smithe said.
“They always joked about Arts students working at McDonalds, but now that a Philosophy degree has a 95% employment rate with a base wage of over $100,000 AUD we’ll see who gets the last laugh. If they didn’t want to be at risk of economic moves like the government is considering, they should have studied a sensible degree like Visual Art,” he concluded.
Oh, I almost forgot. They’re also considering selling Australia Post, because this type of shit worked out so well last time.
Displays of solidarity have broken out across south-east Asia in support of Australia’s new conservative coalition government. …Tony Abbott, who was sworn into office on Sept. 18 by the Governor General, has become somewhat of a cult figure among more impoverished parts of the region. Celebratory events have been held in a variety of cities and villages as news of new Australian government policy spreads. …‘Neoliberal fever’, as the phenomenon has been named, has captured the hearts and minds of a people who now look to Australia as a beacon of hope and prosperity.
Local celebrations for the first annual Tony Abbott festival
…“It’s heartening to see that Aussies have recaptured the spirit of their land,” said Mr. Xieng Wanxing during his village’s celebrations. “Tony Abbott’s ‘new Australian deal’ to put a Holden Commodore or a Ford Falcon in every pot is the envy of the world,” he said. …In the province of Huuxi, a giant statue of the Australian PM has been erected in the town square, as a reminder of what is possible when people simply believe. …“We’re glad to see Australia has stopped the expansion of its foreign aid expenditure,” Mayor of Huuxi said. “For too long the Labor government let foreign aid get in the way of every Australian’s manifest destiny. Only now under Abbot’s leadership are we sure that every Australian will achieve the dream of owning a house with two-car-garage and several investment units in Sydney’s west,” he concluded.
A child ironically plays with a wheel to protest the cost of high-end consumer electronics in Australia
…The sentiment is echoed by everyone in the community but especially those who have fallen on hard times. …“It’s good to see the new government discard the ineffective Labor party policies.” one man said. “Free public healthcare and education reforms were getting in the way of tax-cuts for big business. We wish our own government would trust more in the trickle down effect and just look at the science. It functions exactly like the chocolate fountain I have in my jacuzzi,” he concluded. …Rural communities are banding together and selling handicrafts to support Abbott’s plans to build road infrastructure in Sydney’s west. Head of the Asian Australian Western Sydney Trust told media that for too long Asia had remained silent about the extensive commute that Sydneysiders had to endure.
A woman sells fruits and vegetables to raise money for West Sydney’s road development
…“If we can reduce someone’s commute to work by just ten minutes, then I think we’ll be making a real change for the better,” she said.
A meandering meditation on counterculture, geekdom and politics