…The Commission of Audit established by Prime Minister Tony Abbott has struck pure gold once again with a recommendation to impose a $5 charge for bulk billed visits to your GP.
…The move, described by observers as “almost as good of an idea as privatizing HECS debt” has received universal acclaim with almost nobody thinking that it was a really really dumb fucking idea.
…Minister for Health, Peter Dutton has refused to clarify speculation about the proposal.
…“The commission’s work is still being compiled and will be provided to the government in 2014,” Dutton said in a prepared statement. “The government will be able to consider any recommendations and respond after that time,” he concluded.
…The Australian Centre for Health Research has urged the Coalition government to consider the move which could potentially improve the budget’s health by $750 million dollars over four years.
…A research paper prepared by Tony Abbott’s former health adviser Terry Barnes has argued that a co-payment system could significantly reduce the amount of GP visits.
…“This is very affordable to most Australian households, even the less well off. We’re talking about the cost of a burger and fries,” Barnes actually said alluding to his love for Happy Meals® in the 1990s.
…The Australian health system has been plagued for years by unnecessary trips to the doctor. Observers have said that every step should be taken to discourage people from going to see their GP, especially men who are generally known for their zealousness in addressing potential health concerns.
…The Australian taxpayer can only hope that cries of “I should get this strange lump examined” or “I am in a tumultuous emotional state and need to speak to a medical professional,” will be silenced by implementation of the policy.
…Under the plan pensioners and concession card holders will be exempt from the fee. Nuclear families will receive 12 free visits per year as they attempt to survive assassination by homosexuals and polygamists.
…The proposition has received so much support from the community that other sectors of Australian life are planning similar legislation. Constable Faye Kname of South Australian Police (SAPOL) is leading the push for a $5 fee to go outside your house.
…“Studies have indicated an almost irrefutable link between leaving ones house and the committing of petty crime,” Kname said in a prepared statement.
…“A fee to discourage people from leaving their homes would both help the state budget and allow Police to divert resources to more important matters like revenue generation,” she concluded.