Tag Archives: controversy

Bernardi tells all in new shocking interview

….After years of posing as conservative, special agent codename Bernardi is ready to hang up his boots and return to his ecologically sustainable commune in Tasmania.
….“It all started with the formation of the Greens in 1992,” said Bernardi (whose real name will not be used to protect his identity). “The idea was to create the perfect sleeper agent to create a schism within the right wing and highlight to swing voters how outrageous their views were.”
….I asked codename Bernardi what the most difficult part of his mission was.
….“Pretending I was South Australian,” he replied laughing. “All jokes aside I’m very sorry to the people of South Australia for tarnishing your name, you’re alright,” he continued with a smile.
….For years Bernardi has had to relentlessly stay in character, admitting in this interview that he had no idea how successful he would be in discrediting Australian right wing politics.

A young Bernardi before he went undercover
A young Bernardi before he went undercover

….“To be honest when Sacha Baron Cohen and Stephen Colbert gained notoriety I thought the game was up,” Bernardi confided. “I didn’t know how Australians could believe that someone would be that callous or ignorant of decades worth of research and social progress but I suppose we lucked out,” he said with a shrug.
….Asked why he would reveal his secret plan now, Bernardi stated that he thought the damage and ridicule he had recently brought upon the Liberal party was a nice place to stop. “Plus I really miss my goats,” he added.
….“It took a team of writers over a year to put together that book,” Bernardi said referring to the jocular Conservative Revolution. Which belittled among other topics, same sex, adoptive and step parents, gay marriage and climate change.
….“We had again a lot of problems with writers not being extreme enough with the subject matter or accidentally writing chapters that had a sense of decency, compassion or basis in fact. There was a point where I had to tell the writing team to take a step back and just watch some Fox News,” he said.
….Conservative Revolution has caused a huge stir with a barrage of negative reviews on Amazon and Liberal party members taking umbrage.
….“The book was supposed to be the punchline, but then Warren Entsch got really worked up and we thought, okay, let’s push this a little further. I felt really bad about it since Entsch was vocally against mandatory internet censorship, good guy for a Lib.”

You can't tell the hon. sen. Entsch where to stop
You can’t tell the hon. sen. Entsch where to stop

….I asked Bernardi about the threat of litigation he leveled at Entsch.
….“We all sat around in the office and thought, what would Bernardi do, we always thought of the character as a person who has had or still does perhaps harbor some feelings of same-sex attraction that mix with his religiosity to fuel his guilt and fervor. Essentially we just thought it would really do the character justice.”
….On Thursday Liberal Senator Sue Boyce accused Cory Bernardi of lacking compassion and genuine Christianity.

All around decent person, Sen. Sue Boyce

….“I hadn’t seen that yet,” chucked Bernardi. To be honest we really hadn’t counted on common sense views rising from the Libs to oppose the character. I like it here where she says ‘I find it immoral to pontificate on the topic of abortion without looking at some of the reasons behind why a woman might seek to have an abortion’, that’s a really good line. Sue’s alright with me,” he concluded.
….I asked Bernardi to summarize his experience and tell me what the next phase of his life would be like.
….“To be honest it’s going to be hard to let go of the character. You put a face on long enough and it starts to seem true, you know? It’s a little bit scary. To be serious though I think we’ve had an incredible run, I got removed from minor front bench positions twice by two leaders, managed to garner the animosity of the entire left wing and I think somewhat discredited conservative thinking,” he said.
….“Like I mentioned before I’m really looking forward to getting back to the commune, smoking some dope and tending to my goats and vegetables,” he concluded, pulling out a kingsize joint.
“It just worries me that some people out there actually supported the Bernardi character,” codename Bernardi said with a frown.
….“It just really fucking worries me.”

Libs refuse to rule out $5 GP fee

The Commission of Audit established by Prime Minister Tony Abbott has struck pure gold once again with a recommendation to impose a $5 charge for bulk billed visits to your GP.
The move, described by observers as “almost as good of an idea as privatizing HECS debt” has received universal acclaim with almost nobody thinking that it was a really really dumb fucking idea.
Minister for Health, Peter Dutton has refused to clarify speculation about the proposal.

File photo of a doctor
File photo of ‘a doctor’

“The commission’s work is still being compiled and will be provided to the government in 2014,” Dutton said in a prepared statement. “The government will be able to consider any recommendations and respond after that time,” he concluded.
The Australian Centre for Health Research has urged the Coalition government to consider the move which could potentially improve the budget’s health by $750 million dollars over four years.
A research paper prepared by Tony Abbott’s former health adviser Terry Barnes has argued that a co-payment system could significantly reduce the amount of GP visits.
“This is very affordable to most Australian households, even the less well off. We’re talking about the cost of a burger and fries,” Barnes actually said alluding to his love for Happy Meals® in the 1990s.

Google image result for 'Australian Barnes'
Google image result for ‘Australian Barnes’

The Australian health system has been plagued for years by unnecessary trips to the doctor. Observers have said that every step should be taken to discourage people from going to see their GP, especially men who are generally known for their zealousness in addressing potential health concerns.
The Australian taxpayer can only hope that cries of “I should get this strange lump examined” or “I am in a tumultuous emotional state and need to speak to a medical professional,” will be silenced by implementation of the policy.
Under the plan pensioners and concession card holders will be exempt from the fee. Nuclear families will receive 12 free visits per year as they attempt to survive assassination by homosexuals and polygamists.
The proposition has received so much support from the community that other sectors of Australian life are planning similar legislation. Constable Faye Kname of South Australian Police (SAPOL) is leading the push for a $5 fee to go outside your house.

A speed camera (pictured) captures dangerous criminals
A speed camera (pictured) captures dangerous criminals

“Studies have indicated an almost irrefutable link between leaving ones house and the committing of petty crime,” Kname said in a prepared statement.
“A fee to discourage people from leaving their homes would both help the state budget and allow Police to divert resources to more important matters like revenue generation,” she concluded.