Tag Archives: Coalition

PM rules out tax hike

….Prime Minister Tony Abbott has ruled out raising taxes to fund Australia’s participation in the coalition against IS militants in Iraq and Syria.

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Google image result for “Australian coalition in Middle-East”

….The clarification comes after comments made by Treasurer Joe Hockey last week suggesting new  budget cuts would have to be made to pay for Australia’s annual $500 million AUD military involvement and $630 million AUD expansion of Australian security agencies.

….Despite the PM’s assurances, concern is still bubbling in the community. Head of the Australian Thesaurus Association (ATA) Verr Bosse told Robolenin.com that the PM had his work ahead of him in ruling out synonyms for the word tax.

….“The PM said that there won’t be a tax hike,” Bosse said, in an exclusive interview. “But he didn’t rule out many of the wonderful synonyms for tax such as, contribution, cost, duty, expense, levy, price, rate, tariff, dues, excise, imposition, impost, obligation, tithe, toll, or tribute.”

….“This is a government which believes in lower taxes, not higher taxes,” the Prime Minister said, referring to his government’s policy of cutting public services instead of marginally increasing tax rates for high income earners.

….The government has belayed concerns about a possible rising cost in Iraq by unveiling its new military carpooling system.

Soldiers drill carpooling techniques
Soldiers drill carpooling techniques

….“The new military carpooling system will ensure that even if our involvement in the region escalates, we will never ever exceed annual expenditure of $500 million AUD,” a military spokesperson said.

….Meanwhile, Robolenin.com correspondents entrenched in Bill Shorten’s house have reported that the opposition leader has been losing sleep of late.

….Seemingly regretful of the opposition’s complete compliance with government policy, Shorten now wakes several times a night.

(Photocredit/Leon) Taken 3A.M. Shorten residence.
(Photocredit/Leon T) Taken 3A.M. Shorten residence.

….“This death and deficit government,” Shorten reportedly mumbles, shackled within the cold prison of his own making.

….
“Fuck that would poll well… ‘Death and deficit,’ shit.”

Australians dig deep to stop future Filipino boat arrivals

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Terrified by the potential influx of immigrants from the recent super-typhoon Hiyan, Australians are digging deep to ensure that what happens in the Philippines stays in the Philippines. Breaking their usual radio-silence on boats and boat related issues, the Coalition government has urged Australian citizens to donate to humanitarian efforts in order to ensure the future of Australian Caucasian sovereignty.
“Prevention is better than a cure,” Minister for Cessation of Floating Transportation Platforms told this reporter. “Housing refugees, as well as the dilution of our way of life is a very expensive enterprise. If every Australian donated enough for a can of beans, a tarp and a bottle of water, then that’s one more Filipino family who won’t want to seek refuge in Australia,” he concluded.
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It’s a sentiment echoed by many prominent voices in the community including the spokesperson for the Thinly Veiled Racism Association, Heimac Untt. “We’re of course extremely concerned about the welfare of people in the Philippines,” Untt said. “And you know many prominent scientists say that enduring the inevitable societal, economic and traumatic aftermath of the disaster will be better for those people than journeying by boat to Australia. It’s like Alfred when he talks to Bruce Wayne, why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. Which is exactly why we should show zero amnesty to those fleeing their utterly destroyed homeland,” he concluded.
The federal government has announced a raft of measures to prevent not only Filipino but other arrivals from troubled parts of the world. In a document released to the media Friday, the Coalition outlined their plans to increase co2 emissions and introduce Velociraptors to Christmas Island.
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A press statement released parallel to the documents describes the methodology behind the co2 increase. “In league with our commitment to discourage boat arrivals we will be increasing Australia’s co2 emissions. The result of which will increase extreme weather patterns in oceanic lanes used by people smugglers and send a strong message. Whatever terrors people are fleeing from, the Australian government is willing to at least match or increase those terrors, only then will we be able to fulfill our humanitarian commitments.” The document concludes that the immigration problem faced by Australia is definitely the worst in the world. “The problem of refugees and illegal immigration in Australia is definitely the worst in the world. Other countries might only get one or two refugees per year since they’re separated by long distances of land. Australia however is surrounded by easy-to-traverse water, you basically sit down the whole time,” the report states. “These new arrivals won’t be anything like the last generation of immigrants who contributed to the proliferation of adopted Saturday-night classics like Gyros and Pizza.”
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The latest polling data suggests that Filipino immigrants will be ‘scary’ and will try to ‘vampirically consume all that we used to hold dear’.”
Australians fearing an influx of Filipino immigrants can shore up the country’s defense against boat arrivals by donating at the Philippine Red Cross website or simply leave their car running in the driveway overnight.

Link to the Philippine Red Cross website

Neoliberal fever sweeps Asia

Displays of solidarity have broken out across south-east Asia in support of Australia’s new conservative coalition government.
Tony Abbott, who was sworn into office on Sept. 18 by the Governor General, has become somewhat of a cult figure among more impoverished parts of the region. Celebratory events have been held in a variety of cities and villages as news of new Australian government policy spreads.
‘Neoliberal fever’, as the phenomenon has been named, has captured the hearts and minds of a people who now look to Australia as a beacon of hope and prosperity.

Local celebrations for the first annual Tony Abbott festival
Local celebrations for the first annual Tony Abbott festival

“It’s heartening to see that Aussies have recaptured the spirit of their land,” said Mr. Xieng Wanxing during his village’s celebrations. “Tony Abbott’s ‘new Australian deal’ to put a Holden Commodore or a Ford Falcon in every pot is the envy of the world,” he said.
In the province of Huuxi, a giant statue of the Australian PM has been erected in the town square, as a reminder of what is possible when people simply believe.
“We’re glad to see Australia has stopped the expansion of its foreign aid expenditure,” Mayor of Huuxi said. “For too long the Labor government let foreign aid get in the way of every Australian’s manifest destiny. Only now under Abbot’s leadership are we sure that every Australian will achieve the dream of owning a house with two-car-garage and several investment units in Sydney’s west,” he concluded.

A child ironically plays with a wheel to protest the cost of high-end consumer electronics in Australia
A child ironically plays with a wheel to protest the cost of high-end consumer electronics in Australia

The sentiment is echoed by everyone in the community but especially those who have fallen on hard times.
“It’s good to see the new government discard the ineffective Labor party policies.” one man said. “Free public healthcare and education reforms were getting in the way of tax-cuts for big business. We wish our own government would trust more in the trickle down effect and just look at the science. It functions exactly like the chocolate fountain I have in my jacuzzi,” he concluded.
Rural communities are banding together and selling handicrafts to support Abbott’s plans to build road infrastructure in Sydney’s west. Head of the Asian Australian Western Sydney Trust told media that for too long Asia had remained silent about the extensive commute that Sydneysiders had to endure.

A woman sells fruits and vegetables to raise money for West Sydney's road deveopment
A woman sells fruits and vegetables to raise money for West Sydney’s road development

“If we can reduce someone’s commute to work by just ten minutes, then I think we’ll be making a real change for the better,” she said.