Tag Archives: Australian Politics

Australian federal budget leaked

….Controversy has erupted over documents which appear to have been leaked from the upcoming Australian Federal Budget.
The documents purportedly detail the federal government’s new approach to aged care, disability support and health services among other areas.
….If the leak is to be believed, the budget will ignore many of the recommendations presented in the government’s commission of audit in favor of more decisive measures.
….One area of the budget describes the new government policy of setting the elderly, disabled and chronically ill adrift on Antarctic ice floes.
….“The policy addresses the fact that some people are unable to contribute to society in a time of heavy lifting and should therefore be given a gracious way out,” the document reads. “First there is a cold, a terrible, bitter cold. But after a while there’s just sleepiness. Aren’t you tired after your lifetime of contributions to Australia? Just shut your eyes, it’s really that easy.”

IceFlow
….The documents have provoked dissent from within the Coalition with some individuals revealing to Robolenin.com that the budgetary decision caused a schism within the party room.
….“We were divided pretty much 50/50,” the informant said. “Many of us believed that putting people onto the ice flows was ridiculous. Australia has some of the best desert wasteland in the world and it is absurd that the taxpayer would pay the cost to have these people transported to a barren freezing hellscape.”
….Robolenin.com reached out to the government for comment but were told that the Australia does not comment on frozen water operations.
….The disquiet comes at a difficult time for a government faced with crumbling approval ratings and a rapidly diminishing supply of nonreplenishable synonyms for the word ‘tax’.

tax
….Other major shakeups in the documents include a re-imagined social security system. The Coal for the Dole program will see Centerlink applicants sent to open cut mines across the country. Payments will be issued to customers as a percentage of coal mined.
….The budget also includes provision for a HECS Heavy Lifting pilot program which will explore the ability for arts and climate science students to pay off their university debts via coal enterprise.
coal for the dole
….Finally, the documents have revealed details regarding the government’s immigration and direct action climate policy. The Rickshaws for Citizenship initiative aims to provide a cheap, infinitely replenishable workforce to mitigate the negative effects of climate change.
….“We examined many models for direct action on climate change,” the documents read. “But the one that really struck a chord with us was indentured servitude. While some might think that forcing immigrants to pull rickshaws for a decade after coming to Australia is extreme, we think that it’s a natural next step in Australia’s immigration policy and a pivotal point in the country’s attitude towards carbon emissions,” the document concluded.

Bernardi tells all in new shocking interview

….After years of posing as conservative, special agent codename Bernardi is ready to hang up his boots and return to his ecologically sustainable commune in Tasmania.
….“It all started with the formation of the Greens in 1992,” said Bernardi (whose real name will not be used to protect his identity). “The idea was to create the perfect sleeper agent to create a schism within the right wing and highlight to swing voters how outrageous their views were.”
….I asked codename Bernardi what the most difficult part of his mission was.
….“Pretending I was South Australian,” he replied laughing. “All jokes aside I’m very sorry to the people of South Australia for tarnishing your name, you’re alright,” he continued with a smile.
….For years Bernardi has had to relentlessly stay in character, admitting in this interview that he had no idea how successful he would be in discrediting Australian right wing politics.

A young Bernardi before he went undercover
A young Bernardi before he went undercover

….“To be honest when Sacha Baron Cohen and Stephen Colbert gained notoriety I thought the game was up,” Bernardi confided. “I didn’t know how Australians could believe that someone would be that callous or ignorant of decades worth of research and social progress but I suppose we lucked out,” he said with a shrug.
….Asked why he would reveal his secret plan now, Bernardi stated that he thought the damage and ridicule he had recently brought upon the Liberal party was a nice place to stop. “Plus I really miss my goats,” he added.
….“It took a team of writers over a year to put together that book,” Bernardi said referring to the jocular Conservative Revolution. Which belittled among other topics, same sex, adoptive and step parents, gay marriage and climate change.
….“We had again a lot of problems with writers not being extreme enough with the subject matter or accidentally writing chapters that had a sense of decency, compassion or basis in fact. There was a point where I had to tell the writing team to take a step back and just watch some Fox News,” he said.
….Conservative Revolution has caused a huge stir with a barrage of negative reviews on Amazon and Liberal party members taking umbrage.
….“The book was supposed to be the punchline, but then Warren Entsch got really worked up and we thought, okay, let’s push this a little further. I felt really bad about it since Entsch was vocally against mandatory internet censorship, good guy for a Lib.”

You can't tell the hon. sen. Entsch where to stop
You can’t tell the hon. sen. Entsch where to stop

….I asked Bernardi about the threat of litigation he leveled at Entsch.
….“We all sat around in the office and thought, what would Bernardi do, we always thought of the character as a person who has had or still does perhaps harbor some feelings of same-sex attraction that mix with his religiosity to fuel his guilt and fervor. Essentially we just thought it would really do the character justice.”
….On Thursday Liberal Senator Sue Boyce accused Cory Bernardi of lacking compassion and genuine Christianity.

All around decent person, Sen. Sue Boyce

….“I hadn’t seen that yet,” chucked Bernardi. To be honest we really hadn’t counted on common sense views rising from the Libs to oppose the character. I like it here where she says ‘I find it immoral to pontificate on the topic of abortion without looking at some of the reasons behind why a woman might seek to have an abortion’, that’s a really good line. Sue’s alright with me,” he concluded.
….I asked Bernardi to summarize his experience and tell me what the next phase of his life would be like.
….“To be honest it’s going to be hard to let go of the character. You put a face on long enough and it starts to seem true, you know? It’s a little bit scary. To be serious though I think we’ve had an incredible run, I got removed from minor front bench positions twice by two leaders, managed to garner the animosity of the entire left wing and I think somewhat discredited conservative thinking,” he said.
….“Like I mentioned before I’m really looking forward to getting back to the commune, smoking some dope and tending to my goats and vegetables,” he concluded, pulling out a kingsize joint.
“It just worries me that some people out there actually supported the Bernardi character,” codename Bernardi said with a frown.
….“It just really fucking worries me.”

Durrynomics


The Coalition government has received mixed criticism for a raft of proposed changes to Australia’s taxation and superannuation systems. The government will abandon Labor plans to tax super earnings of over $100,000 dollars. At the same time the Liberals will reverse an arrangement which contributes an additional $500 per annum to super funds of individuals earning under $37,000 a year. Coalition voters have universally praised the superannuation policy, perceived by many as an end to the insidious wealth redistribution of the previous government.

No Coalition voter has ever been found to earn less than $36,000 a year
Average Coalition voter

However it’s not all good news for Australian taxpayers, public outrage has sparked over the proposed increase of $2.50 to a pack of 20 cigarettes.
“Look, frankly we’re pretty disappointed with the Coalition’s stance on smokers,” said Greg Davies, Programme Coordinator for the Department of Binge Smoking. “The long held wisdom of trickle-down durrynomics is very clear about good fiscal policy. If you punish the people smoking durries then less people are going to keep on buying packs to contribute tax to the government or hand durries out to other people,” he said. “If you punish the heavy smokers, then people will just start up smoking overseas and the Australian taxpayer will suffer as a consequence,” Davies concluded.

Pictured above: a real Australian hero
Pictured above: a real Australian hero

It’s a sentiment echoed by many Australians who have moved overseas to avoid the staggeringly high cigarette prices. “When we looked at the numbers we realised that it was just too expensive to start a nicotine addiction in Australia,” said Ralph Kenny who has started his own nicotine addiction in Uganda. “The government over here offers fewer restrictions to the smoking of darts, and doesn’t punish those who do.”
South Australian MP, Joe Monash appears to agree with dissenters. In a statement released by his office this morning he wrote:
“South Australia used to have one of the highest rates of smoking in the country back in the 60s and 70s. It was a history that we could be proud of and I personally don’t think that we would have seen the great Australian addiction we have today without it.”

South Australian pioneer durrymakers
South Australian pioneer durrymakers

Labor have attacked the plan saying that if anything the government should be handing out free cigarettes. That position has caused discord with the Greens who this afternoon released a statement saying that everyone’s durries should be collected and then distributed equally.

G20 legislation sparks controversy

 

G20image
Last night the Queensland government passed legislation in preparation for the G20 events being held in Cairns and Brizvegas. Locals who do not pass criminal history checks will be denied access to restricted zones. Alternate accommodation will be provided at the cost of a few hundred dollars, according to Police Minister Jack Dempsey.
Subsequently, rioting and crime have wracked Queensland as citizens attempt to qualify for compensation.
“The baby bonus bubble was going to burst, and everyone in the business knew it,” said Michael Sass. “Times have been tough since then, but I’m confident that I can obtain a criminal record in time for the payout.”
Filephoto
But not everyone’s happy with the legislation; this afternoon, Reptile Flight Association spokesperson, Hiss Imalizard expressed outrage with the move.
“The ban of Lizards and remote control planes in those zones is a big blow and will set flying lizardry back decades,” She said. “Lizard pilots are also appalled at the ban of eggs in the zone, as if simply banning Lizards wasn’t enough.” She added.
reptileair
Opposition police spokesperson Bill Byrne told Parliament last night that the legislation was for pussies.
“I am somewhat surprised that some of the offence provisions have quite light sentences attached, and I consider the boundaries of the restricted and declared areas to be minimalist,” he jibed.
The G20 events will hosted in Cairns and Brizvegas late next year.

Greg Hunt: Reptilian Overlord?


….Australian Environment Minister, Greg Hunt, has come under attack for his suggestion that there is no connection between climate change and bushfires after looking up the subject on Wikipedia. Hunt’s comments come in the wake of prominent scientists, politicians and environmental groups voicing their concern about a link between bushfires and climate change.
….Hunt who extensively read several pages from Wikipedia said that it was clear that bushfires in Australia had occurred even before European settlement, rendering other arguments null and void. Hunt’s rock solid scientific analysis would have settled the matter if it weren’t for a Wikipedia contributor who noticed an anomaly on the Greg Hunt Wiki page. On Wednesday October 16 a Wikipedia poster ‘dickfart92’ wrote the following on the Hunt page:

It is a little known fact that Greg Hunt is in fact a Reptilian”

Greg Hunt's true form, perhaps?
Greg Hunt’s true form, perhaps?

….According to the Reptilian Wikipedia page, reptilians are a race of subterranean monsters able to shift their forms and assume the visage of a person. They are also highly secretive and reputedly control the mafia, the seven Jewish bankers and the Illuminati. If simply being posted on Wikipedia wasn’t enough evidence of Greg Hunt’s true reptilian nature, the article was soon removed.
….The suppression of information is a lynchpin of the Reptilian strategy for concealment, which allows them to rule the world from the shadows without risking exposure. It also makes sense that Greg Hunt would be opposed to the science of climate change and any attempts to reduce human co2 emissions. A warmer climate, while destructive to the human race, would be a better home for the coldblooded creatures as they pursue their aims of colonization.

Cold blooded creatures enjoy 'greenhouse effects'
Cold blooded creatures enjoy ‘greenhouse effects’

….It is clear that the threat posed by reptilian imposed climate change denial will be a major challenge for the dwindling free humans of the world. Already, teams of scientists are feverishly reading Wikipedia articles in the hopes of finding an exploitable weak point to use against our secretive lizard overlords.

Libs considers selling your HECS debt to private sector

In line with their party policy of cartoonish supervillainy, the Liberal government will consider selling your HECS debt to private sector investors.
The totally insane and egregiously offensive idea, uncovered by The West Australian, comes as part of the Government’s Commission of Audit. Treasurer Joe Hockey soothed Australia’s worries by telling The West that the Audit would be similar to the one conducted by the Howard government in ’96. Yay.

Economic genius Joe Hockey
Economic genius Joe Hockey

The ‘securitisation’ of Australia’s $22.6 billion AUD HECS debt would involve selling the responsibility for your HECS to the private sector, which would then be onsold to other investors. Whether or not this means that interest will be able to be applied to your debt is unknown. But wouldn’t it be genius for superannuation funds to invest in the burgeoning student misery market? It would be like the cherry on top of the irony cake, filled with a creamy center of becoming a politician because of a free university education then making the next generation pay for the same privilege. Delicious.

Superannuation funds should totally invest in student debt
Superannuation funds should totally invest in student debt

Mr. Bernard Livingston Smithe, Head of the Arts and Philosophy Megacorporation, ARTSCORP, told this reporter that the move would be good revenge for arts students across the country.
“After the great mining and engineering crash of last month and the meteoric rise in the profitability of arts degrees, we’ll finally get our own back against all those engineers,” Smithe said.
“They always joked about Arts students working at McDonalds, but now that a Philosophy degree has a 95% employment rate with a base wage of over $100,000 AUD we’ll see who gets the last laugh. If they didn’t want to be at risk of economic moves like the government is considering, they should have studied a sensible degree like Visual Art,” he concluded.

Oh, I almost forgot. They’re also considering selling Australia Post, because this type of shit worked out so well last time.

Maybe super funds could invest in Australia Post too!
Maybe super funds could invest in Australia Post too!

Link to The West Australian article

Clive Palmer, Hero of the Left

Clive Palmer, Hero of the Left
Clive Palmer, Hero of the Left

Before the federal election I would have derided anyone for suggesting that Clive Palmer would become a pivotal figure in Australian politics. The Palmer United Party, brainchild of eccentric billionaire Clive Palmer seemed so politically irrelevant as to warrant little more than an amusing dinner-party conversation.
From July 1 next year, the Palmer Bloc, an unlikely coalition of United senators and a Motoring Enthusiast will hold veto over any legislation jointly opposed by Labor and the Greens.
Delicious.

It would seem natural that a mining magnate such as Palmer would cast his weight behind Coalition legislation to benefit his business holdings.  But what does the man with everything really need? And what is the reason that Palmer has dived into politics at all? I would argue it’s the same reason he’s opening dinosaur theme parks and rebuilding the Titanic. A legacy.

Dinosaur. Fucking. Themeparks
Dinosaur. Fucking. Themeparks

So Palmer wants a legacy, and now he’s got the political pull to influence national policy. But you still might think he’d be in bed with the Coalition. Apparently not. The hilarious beef between Palmer and Abbott continues to fuel left wing erections across the nation. Abbott is determined to not be reliant on Palmer for passing legislation and Palmer is determined to be a key player in federal politics.
Did I mention that this guy is rebuilding the Titanic? Palmer is most likely not taking kindly to the Coalition government’s attempts to break apart the Palmer block by negotiating with Ricky Muir directly.

Diametrically opposed on the issue of boats
Diametrically opposed on the issue of boats

At the very worst, Palmer will allow Coalition government legislation to pass against a united opposition of Labor and Greens. At the very best however, he’ll force the Coalition to make hilarious compromises with the Palmer Bloc, Labor or even the Greens if the policy is to be passed at all. There is the delicious possibility of a Whitlam-esque total deadlock in Australian politics. After all, it’s very early days and a hell of a long wait until the next federal election. Since the Australian electorate has the memory of a goldfish, Palmer, Labor and the Greens can afford to fuck with the Coalition.
Let’s hope they all give it a try.

It’s a long shot perhaps, and maybe the landscape of Australian politics will shift so that the government will be able to pass legislation unopposed. But for those of us lefties who were resigned to staying indoors for the next several years, Palmer is such a wonderful, colourful and eccentric thorn to see in the Coalition’s side.

If you’re reading this, Clive. I’d be happy to run for Boothby for you, next time around.