Tag Archives: australia

Bernardi tells all in new shocking interview

….After years of posing as conservative, special agent codename Bernardi is ready to hang up his boots and return to his ecologically sustainable commune in Tasmania.
….“It all started with the formation of the Greens in 1992,” said Bernardi (whose real name will not be used to protect his identity). “The idea was to create the perfect sleeper agent to create a schism within the right wing and highlight to swing voters how outrageous their views were.”
….I asked codename Bernardi what the most difficult part of his mission was.
….“Pretending I was South Australian,” he replied laughing. “All jokes aside I’m very sorry to the people of South Australia for tarnishing your name, you’re alright,” he continued with a smile.
….For years Bernardi has had to relentlessly stay in character, admitting in this interview that he had no idea how successful he would be in discrediting Australian right wing politics.

A young Bernardi before he went undercover
A young Bernardi before he went undercover

….“To be honest when Sacha Baron Cohen and Stephen Colbert gained notoriety I thought the game was up,” Bernardi confided. “I didn’t know how Australians could believe that someone would be that callous or ignorant of decades worth of research and social progress but I suppose we lucked out,” he said with a shrug.
….Asked why he would reveal his secret plan now, Bernardi stated that he thought the damage and ridicule he had recently brought upon the Liberal party was a nice place to stop. “Plus I really miss my goats,” he added.
….“It took a team of writers over a year to put together that book,” Bernardi said referring to the jocular Conservative Revolution. Which belittled among other topics, same sex, adoptive and step parents, gay marriage and climate change.
….“We had again a lot of problems with writers not being extreme enough with the subject matter or accidentally writing chapters that had a sense of decency, compassion or basis in fact. There was a point where I had to tell the writing team to take a step back and just watch some Fox News,” he said.
….Conservative Revolution has caused a huge stir with a barrage of negative reviews on Amazon and Liberal party members taking umbrage.
….“The book was supposed to be the punchline, but then Warren Entsch got really worked up and we thought, okay, let’s push this a little further. I felt really bad about it since Entsch was vocally against mandatory internet censorship, good guy for a Lib.”

You can't tell the hon. sen. Entsch where to stop
You can’t tell the hon. sen. Entsch where to stop

….I asked Bernardi about the threat of litigation he leveled at Entsch.
….“We all sat around in the office and thought, what would Bernardi do, we always thought of the character as a person who has had or still does perhaps harbor some feelings of same-sex attraction that mix with his religiosity to fuel his guilt and fervor. Essentially we just thought it would really do the character justice.”
….On Thursday Liberal Senator Sue Boyce accused Cory Bernardi of lacking compassion and genuine Christianity.

All around decent person, Sen. Sue Boyce

….“I hadn’t seen that yet,” chucked Bernardi. To be honest we really hadn’t counted on common sense views rising from the Libs to oppose the character. I like it here where she says ‘I find it immoral to pontificate on the topic of abortion without looking at some of the reasons behind why a woman might seek to have an abortion’, that’s a really good line. Sue’s alright with me,” he concluded.
….I asked Bernardi to summarize his experience and tell me what the next phase of his life would be like.
….“To be honest it’s going to be hard to let go of the character. You put a face on long enough and it starts to seem true, you know? It’s a little bit scary. To be serious though I think we’ve had an incredible run, I got removed from minor front bench positions twice by two leaders, managed to garner the animosity of the entire left wing and I think somewhat discredited conservative thinking,” he said.
….“Like I mentioned before I’m really looking forward to getting back to the commune, smoking some dope and tending to my goats and vegetables,” he concluded, pulling out a kingsize joint.
“It just worries me that some people out there actually supported the Bernardi character,” codename Bernardi said with a frown.
….“It just really fucking worries me.”

Libs refuse to rule out $5 GP fee

The Commission of Audit established by Prime Minister Tony Abbott has struck pure gold once again with a recommendation to impose a $5 charge for bulk billed visits to your GP.
The move, described by observers as “almost as good of an idea as privatizing HECS debt” has received universal acclaim with almost nobody thinking that it was a really really dumb fucking idea.
Minister for Health, Peter Dutton has refused to clarify speculation about the proposal.

File photo of a doctor
File photo of ‘a doctor’

“The commission’s work is still being compiled and will be provided to the government in 2014,” Dutton said in a prepared statement. “The government will be able to consider any recommendations and respond after that time,” he concluded.
The Australian Centre for Health Research has urged the Coalition government to consider the move which could potentially improve the budget’s health by $750 million dollars over four years.
A research paper prepared by Tony Abbott’s former health adviser Terry Barnes has argued that a co-payment system could significantly reduce the amount of GP visits.
“This is very affordable to most Australian households, even the less well off. We’re talking about the cost of a burger and fries,” Barnes actually said alluding to his love for Happy Meals® in the 1990s.

Google image result for 'Australian Barnes'
Google image result for ‘Australian Barnes’

The Australian health system has been plagued for years by unnecessary trips to the doctor. Observers have said that every step should be taken to discourage people from going to see their GP, especially men who are generally known for their zealousness in addressing potential health concerns.
The Australian taxpayer can only hope that cries of “I should get this strange lump examined” or “I am in a tumultuous emotional state and need to speak to a medical professional,” will be silenced by implementation of the policy.
Under the plan pensioners and concession card holders will be exempt from the fee. Nuclear families will receive 12 free visits per year as they attempt to survive assassination by homosexuals and polygamists.
The proposition has received so much support from the community that other sectors of Australian life are planning similar legislation. Constable Faye Kname of South Australian Police (SAPOL) is leading the push for a $5 fee to go outside your house.

A speed camera (pictured) captures dangerous criminals
A speed camera (pictured) captures dangerous criminals

“Studies have indicated an almost irrefutable link between leaving ones house and the committing of petty crime,” Kname said in a prepared statement.
“A fee to discourage people from leaving their homes would both help the state budget and allow Police to divert resources to more important matters like revenue generation,” she concluded.

Australians dig deep to stop future Filipino boat arrivals

0,,17216566_303,00
Terrified by the potential influx of immigrants from the recent super-typhoon Hiyan, Australians are digging deep to ensure that what happens in the Philippines stays in the Philippines. Breaking their usual radio-silence on boats and boat related issues, the Coalition government has urged Australian citizens to donate to humanitarian efforts in order to ensure the future of Australian Caucasian sovereignty.
“Prevention is better than a cure,” Minister for Cessation of Floating Transportation Platforms told this reporter. “Housing refugees, as well as the dilution of our way of life is a very expensive enterprise. If every Australian donated enough for a can of beans, a tarp and a bottle of water, then that’s one more Filipino family who won’t want to seek refuge in Australia,” he concluded.
131113-philippines-typhoon-aid-130p.photoblog600
It’s a sentiment echoed by many prominent voices in the community including the spokesperson for the Thinly Veiled Racism Association, Heimac Untt. “We’re of course extremely concerned about the welfare of people in the Philippines,” Untt said. “And you know many prominent scientists say that enduring the inevitable societal, economic and traumatic aftermath of the disaster will be better for those people than journeying by boat to Australia. It’s like Alfred when he talks to Bruce Wayne, why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. Which is exactly why we should show zero amnesty to those fleeing their utterly destroyed homeland,” he concluded.
The federal government has announced a raft of measures to prevent not only Filipino but other arrivals from troubled parts of the world. In a document released to the media Friday, the Coalition outlined their plans to increase co2 emissions and introduce Velociraptors to Christmas Island.
JP-Velociraptors
A press statement released parallel to the documents describes the methodology behind the co2 increase. “In league with our commitment to discourage boat arrivals we will be increasing Australia’s co2 emissions. The result of which will increase extreme weather patterns in oceanic lanes used by people smugglers and send a strong message. Whatever terrors people are fleeing from, the Australian government is willing to at least match or increase those terrors, only then will we be able to fulfill our humanitarian commitments.” The document concludes that the immigration problem faced by Australia is definitely the worst in the world. “The problem of refugees and illegal immigration in Australia is definitely the worst in the world. Other countries might only get one or two refugees per year since they’re separated by long distances of land. Australia however is surrounded by easy-to-traverse water, you basically sit down the whole time,” the report states. “These new arrivals won’t be anything like the last generation of immigrants who contributed to the proliferation of adopted Saturday-night classics like Gyros and Pizza.”
BoatPeople_jpg
The latest polling data suggests that Filipino immigrants will be ‘scary’ and will try to ‘vampirically consume all that we used to hold dear’.”
Australians fearing an influx of Filipino immigrants can shore up the country’s defense against boat arrivals by donating at the Philippine Red Cross website or simply leave their car running in the driveway overnight.

Link to the Philippine Red Cross website

G20 legislation sparks controversy

 

G20image
Last night the Queensland government passed legislation in preparation for the G20 events being held in Cairns and Brizvegas. Locals who do not pass criminal history checks will be denied access to restricted zones. Alternate accommodation will be provided at the cost of a few hundred dollars, according to Police Minister Jack Dempsey.
Subsequently, rioting and crime have wracked Queensland as citizens attempt to qualify for compensation.
“The baby bonus bubble was going to burst, and everyone in the business knew it,” said Michael Sass. “Times have been tough since then, but I’m confident that I can obtain a criminal record in time for the payout.”
Filephoto
But not everyone’s happy with the legislation; this afternoon, Reptile Flight Association spokesperson, Hiss Imalizard expressed outrage with the move.
“The ban of Lizards and remote control planes in those zones is a big blow and will set flying lizardry back decades,” She said. “Lizard pilots are also appalled at the ban of eggs in the zone, as if simply banning Lizards wasn’t enough.” She added.
reptileair
Opposition police spokesperson Bill Byrne told Parliament last night that the legislation was for pussies.
“I am somewhat surprised that some of the offence provisions have quite light sentences attached, and I consider the boundaries of the restricted and declared areas to be minimalist,” he jibed.
The G20 events will hosted in Cairns and Brizvegas late next year.

Greg Hunt: Reptilian Overlord?


….Australian Environment Minister, Greg Hunt, has come under attack for his suggestion that there is no connection between climate change and bushfires after looking up the subject on Wikipedia. Hunt’s comments come in the wake of prominent scientists, politicians and environmental groups voicing their concern about a link between bushfires and climate change.
….Hunt who extensively read several pages from Wikipedia said that it was clear that bushfires in Australia had occurred even before European settlement, rendering other arguments null and void. Hunt’s rock solid scientific analysis would have settled the matter if it weren’t for a Wikipedia contributor who noticed an anomaly on the Greg Hunt Wiki page. On Wednesday October 16 a Wikipedia poster ‘dickfart92’ wrote the following on the Hunt page:

It is a little known fact that Greg Hunt is in fact a Reptilian”

Greg Hunt's true form, perhaps?
Greg Hunt’s true form, perhaps?

….According to the Reptilian Wikipedia page, reptilians are a race of subterranean monsters able to shift their forms and assume the visage of a person. They are also highly secretive and reputedly control the mafia, the seven Jewish bankers and the Illuminati. If simply being posted on Wikipedia wasn’t enough evidence of Greg Hunt’s true reptilian nature, the article was soon removed.
….The suppression of information is a lynchpin of the Reptilian strategy for concealment, which allows them to rule the world from the shadows without risking exposure. It also makes sense that Greg Hunt would be opposed to the science of climate change and any attempts to reduce human co2 emissions. A warmer climate, while destructive to the human race, would be a better home for the coldblooded creatures as they pursue their aims of colonization.

Cold blooded creatures enjoy 'greenhouse effects'
Cold blooded creatures enjoy ‘greenhouse effects’

….It is clear that the threat posed by reptilian imposed climate change denial will be a major challenge for the dwindling free humans of the world. Already, teams of scientists are feverishly reading Wikipedia articles in the hopes of finding an exploitable weak point to use against our secretive lizard overlords.

Meat-Pie-Burger

Aussie Aussie Aussie, oi oi oi. Get that patriotic feeling flowing with a disgusting combination of foods that you never thought of combining. Now that New Zealand has shat all over our delusion of being the fair-go lucky-country by legalizing gay marriage before us, patriotic food might be our last bastion of national comfort. Here is a step by step guide for dulling the shame.

First;

MeatPieGet yourself a meat pie. I chose a square meat pie here but you could use circular meat pies if you want. Elliptical pies are also possible, but not recommended.

20130421_161649Now, furiously deploy your Hungry Jacks Whopper. No other Whopper will suffice. Resist the temptation to use a Burger King Whopper as it may result in gangrene.

20130421_161656

20130421_161714

20130421_161734Open that bitch right up. For those following along at home, behold, you approach the zenith of greatness! Don’t throw those pickles away either or I’ll come to your house and bash you bro.

20130421_161742Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

20130421_161841This meal is an incredibly good source of Iron, Man.

So there you have it. Tuck in and feel our backward country’s shame dissipate, as you fill yourself with bastardized national food.

Final Verdict:

As Australian as you can get without being a wobble-board-playing-sex-offender.

20130421_162110