Tag Archives: Auspol

Joint Strike Fighters for the elderly

….Australia’s Coalition government announced today the implementation of its 12.4 24 billion AUD Pensioner Heating Assistance Programme (PHAP). In a rare show of bipartisanship the government will go ahead with the plan, formulated under the previous Labor government.
….The announcement comes just days before the public release of the government’s Commission of Audit. The report is expected to recommend vast changes to government expenditure with big-spend welfare programmes slated to be cut. PHAP has been described by political observers as a move by the government to assure Australia’s ageing population that they will be no worse off under the changes.

123649-219d4ba2-9cf4-11e3-a9da-9bbf7f799bef
FIle Photo: Tony Abbott

….Under PHAP, pensioners will be moved en masse to state of the art nursing home facilities in Williamtown, NSW and Tindal, NT. Tarmacs enclosing the nursing homes will see constant sorties of F-35 Joint Strike Fighters, especially during the winter months.
….“It is of the highest importance that we uphold the social contract to our elderly,” said government spokesperson Massif Fanker. “We will not let the people who built this country go cold because of rising electricity costs. We simply won’t allow human suffering for some kind of frivolous and utterly unnecessary government expenditure,” concluded Fanker.

Pensioners enjoying a good  warm PHAP

….PHAP will also enable pensioners to supplement their incomes by salvaging broken parts of the jets and selling them for scrap. Head of the Joint Strike Fighter (JSF) programme Lieutenant Chris Bogdan stated during a recent visit to Australia that as more planes enter active service parts are coming off the aircraft “too frequently” for maintenance.
….“It’ll be a bit like an easter egg hunt,” said Fanker. “The F-35 hasn’t even met its reliability goal of 50 percent. Currently the aircraft operates for four hours between critical failures, so there’ll always be some kind of malfunction to keep the elderly busy.”
….Some members of the left have criticised the move saying that the money could be better spent on trees, rescuing wallabies or returning the budget to surplus. The criticism lead to a response from the Coalition stating that they had found the Jets in the wine cellar at Kirribilli and if anything it was Labor’s jet-debt.

5406590-3x2-940x627
F-35 jet suffering from a severe component malfunction

….“Of course the PHAP programme does have a secondary function,” said Fanker. “These are state of the art vehicles of destruction, no doubt about it. With the continued forced liberalisation of ethnically Australian people in New Zealand, PHAP is a necessary deterrent. The rehabilitation of Australians who return as pro-gay-hobbit-lovers is a continuing and acute drain on the taxpayer purse,” he concluded. When asked if Australia would consider the Annexation of New Zealand Fanker winked and replied; “We’ll see.”
Trial PHAP programmes have seen such great success that the Coalition government is looking into other methods to increase the quality of life for at-risk groups. One such programme, still in its developmental stage will aim to provide much needed mobility for disabled individuals by transporting them on the hulls of a new Australian submarine fleet. The Disabled Underwater Mobility Baseline (DUMB) aims to insure that no disabled Australian is negatively affected by budgetary cuts.

A really DUMB idea
A really DUMB idea

Bernardi tells all in new shocking interview

….After years of posing as conservative, special agent codename Bernardi is ready to hang up his boots and return to his ecologically sustainable commune in Tasmania.
….“It all started with the formation of the Greens in 1992,” said Bernardi (whose real name will not be used to protect his identity). “The idea was to create the perfect sleeper agent to create a schism within the right wing and highlight to swing voters how outrageous their views were.”
….I asked codename Bernardi what the most difficult part of his mission was.
….“Pretending I was South Australian,” he replied laughing. “All jokes aside I’m very sorry to the people of South Australia for tarnishing your name, you’re alright,” he continued with a smile.
….For years Bernardi has had to relentlessly stay in character, admitting in this interview that he had no idea how successful he would be in discrediting Australian right wing politics.

A young Bernardi before he went undercover
A young Bernardi before he went undercover

….“To be honest when Sacha Baron Cohen and Stephen Colbert gained notoriety I thought the game was up,” Bernardi confided. “I didn’t know how Australians could believe that someone would be that callous or ignorant of decades worth of research and social progress but I suppose we lucked out,” he said with a shrug.
….Asked why he would reveal his secret plan now, Bernardi stated that he thought the damage and ridicule he had recently brought upon the Liberal party was a nice place to stop. “Plus I really miss my goats,” he added.
….“It took a team of writers over a year to put together that book,” Bernardi said referring to the jocular Conservative Revolution. Which belittled among other topics, same sex, adoptive and step parents, gay marriage and climate change.
….“We had again a lot of problems with writers not being extreme enough with the subject matter or accidentally writing chapters that had a sense of decency, compassion or basis in fact. There was a point where I had to tell the writing team to take a step back and just watch some Fox News,” he said.
….Conservative Revolution has caused a huge stir with a barrage of negative reviews on Amazon and Liberal party members taking umbrage.
….“The book was supposed to be the punchline, but then Warren Entsch got really worked up and we thought, okay, let’s push this a little further. I felt really bad about it since Entsch was vocally against mandatory internet censorship, good guy for a Lib.”

You can't tell the hon. sen. Entsch where to stop
You can’t tell the hon. sen. Entsch where to stop

….I asked Bernardi about the threat of litigation he leveled at Entsch.
….“We all sat around in the office and thought, what would Bernardi do, we always thought of the character as a person who has had or still does perhaps harbor some feelings of same-sex attraction that mix with his religiosity to fuel his guilt and fervor. Essentially we just thought it would really do the character justice.”
….On Thursday Liberal Senator Sue Boyce accused Cory Bernardi of lacking compassion and genuine Christianity.

All around decent person, Sen. Sue Boyce

….“I hadn’t seen that yet,” chucked Bernardi. To be honest we really hadn’t counted on common sense views rising from the Libs to oppose the character. I like it here where she says ‘I find it immoral to pontificate on the topic of abortion without looking at some of the reasons behind why a woman might seek to have an abortion’, that’s a really good line. Sue’s alright with me,” he concluded.
….I asked Bernardi to summarize his experience and tell me what the next phase of his life would be like.
….“To be honest it’s going to be hard to let go of the character. You put a face on long enough and it starts to seem true, you know? It’s a little bit scary. To be serious though I think we’ve had an incredible run, I got removed from minor front bench positions twice by two leaders, managed to garner the animosity of the entire left wing and I think somewhat discredited conservative thinking,” he said.
….“Like I mentioned before I’m really looking forward to getting back to the commune, smoking some dope and tending to my goats and vegetables,” he concluded, pulling out a kingsize joint.
“It just worries me that some people out there actually supported the Bernardi character,” codename Bernardi said with a frown.
….“It just really fucking worries me.”

Libs refuse to rule out $5 GP fee

The Commission of Audit established by Prime Minister Tony Abbott has struck pure gold once again with a recommendation to impose a $5 charge for bulk billed visits to your GP.
The move, described by observers as “almost as good of an idea as privatizing HECS debt” has received universal acclaim with almost nobody thinking that it was a really really dumb fucking idea.
Minister for Health, Peter Dutton has refused to clarify speculation about the proposal.

File photo of a doctor
File photo of ‘a doctor’

“The commission’s work is still being compiled and will be provided to the government in 2014,” Dutton said in a prepared statement. “The government will be able to consider any recommendations and respond after that time,” he concluded.
The Australian Centre for Health Research has urged the Coalition government to consider the move which could potentially improve the budget’s health by $750 million dollars over four years.
A research paper prepared by Tony Abbott’s former health adviser Terry Barnes has argued that a co-payment system could significantly reduce the amount of GP visits.
“This is very affordable to most Australian households, even the less well off. We’re talking about the cost of a burger and fries,” Barnes actually said alluding to his love for Happy Meals® in the 1990s.

Google image result for 'Australian Barnes'
Google image result for ‘Australian Barnes’

The Australian health system has been plagued for years by unnecessary trips to the doctor. Observers have said that every step should be taken to discourage people from going to see their GP, especially men who are generally known for their zealousness in addressing potential health concerns.
The Australian taxpayer can only hope that cries of “I should get this strange lump examined” or “I am in a tumultuous emotional state and need to speak to a medical professional,” will be silenced by implementation of the policy.
Under the plan pensioners and concession card holders will be exempt from the fee. Nuclear families will receive 12 free visits per year as they attempt to survive assassination by homosexuals and polygamists.
The proposition has received so much support from the community that other sectors of Australian life are planning similar legislation. Constable Faye Kname of South Australian Police (SAPOL) is leading the push for a $5 fee to go outside your house.

A speed camera (pictured) captures dangerous criminals
A speed camera (pictured) captures dangerous criminals

“Studies have indicated an almost irrefutable link between leaving ones house and the committing of petty crime,” Kname said in a prepared statement.
“A fee to discourage people from leaving their homes would both help the state budget and allow Police to divert resources to more important matters like revenue generation,” she concluded.

Australians dig deep to stop future Filipino boat arrivals

0,,17216566_303,00
Terrified by the potential influx of immigrants from the recent super-typhoon Hiyan, Australians are digging deep to ensure that what happens in the Philippines stays in the Philippines. Breaking their usual radio-silence on boats and boat related issues, the Coalition government has urged Australian citizens to donate to humanitarian efforts in order to ensure the future of Australian Caucasian sovereignty.
“Prevention is better than a cure,” Minister for Cessation of Floating Transportation Platforms told this reporter. “Housing refugees, as well as the dilution of our way of life is a very expensive enterprise. If every Australian donated enough for a can of beans, a tarp and a bottle of water, then that’s one more Filipino family who won’t want to seek refuge in Australia,” he concluded.
131113-philippines-typhoon-aid-130p.photoblog600
It’s a sentiment echoed by many prominent voices in the community including the spokesperson for the Thinly Veiled Racism Association, Heimac Untt. “We’re of course extremely concerned about the welfare of people in the Philippines,” Untt said. “And you know many prominent scientists say that enduring the inevitable societal, economic and traumatic aftermath of the disaster will be better for those people than journeying by boat to Australia. It’s like Alfred when he talks to Bruce Wayne, why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. Which is exactly why we should show zero amnesty to those fleeing their utterly destroyed homeland,” he concluded.
The federal government has announced a raft of measures to prevent not only Filipino but other arrivals from troubled parts of the world. In a document released to the media Friday, the Coalition outlined their plans to increase co2 emissions and introduce Velociraptors to Christmas Island.
JP-Velociraptors
A press statement released parallel to the documents describes the methodology behind the co2 increase. “In league with our commitment to discourage boat arrivals we will be increasing Australia’s co2 emissions. The result of which will increase extreme weather patterns in oceanic lanes used by people smugglers and send a strong message. Whatever terrors people are fleeing from, the Australian government is willing to at least match or increase those terrors, only then will we be able to fulfill our humanitarian commitments.” The document concludes that the immigration problem faced by Australia is definitely the worst in the world. “The problem of refugees and illegal immigration in Australia is definitely the worst in the world. Other countries might only get one or two refugees per year since they’re separated by long distances of land. Australia however is surrounded by easy-to-traverse water, you basically sit down the whole time,” the report states. “These new arrivals won’t be anything like the last generation of immigrants who contributed to the proliferation of adopted Saturday-night classics like Gyros and Pizza.”
BoatPeople_jpg
The latest polling data suggests that Filipino immigrants will be ‘scary’ and will try to ‘vampirically consume all that we used to hold dear’.”
Australians fearing an influx of Filipino immigrants can shore up the country’s defense against boat arrivals by donating at the Philippine Red Cross website or simply leave their car running in the driveway overnight.

Link to the Philippine Red Cross website

Durrynomics


The Coalition government has received mixed criticism for a raft of proposed changes to Australia’s taxation and superannuation systems. The government will abandon Labor plans to tax super earnings of over $100,000 dollars. At the same time the Liberals will reverse an arrangement which contributes an additional $500 per annum to super funds of individuals earning under $37,000 a year. Coalition voters have universally praised the superannuation policy, perceived by many as an end to the insidious wealth redistribution of the previous government.

No Coalition voter has ever been found to earn less than $36,000 a year
Average Coalition voter

However it’s not all good news for Australian taxpayers, public outrage has sparked over the proposed increase of $2.50 to a pack of 20 cigarettes.
“Look, frankly we’re pretty disappointed with the Coalition’s stance on smokers,” said Greg Davies, Programme Coordinator for the Department of Binge Smoking. “The long held wisdom of trickle-down durrynomics is very clear about good fiscal policy. If you punish the people smoking durries then less people are going to keep on buying packs to contribute tax to the government or hand durries out to other people,” he said. “If you punish the heavy smokers, then people will just start up smoking overseas and the Australian taxpayer will suffer as a consequence,” Davies concluded.

Pictured above: a real Australian hero
Pictured above: a real Australian hero

It’s a sentiment echoed by many Australians who have moved overseas to avoid the staggeringly high cigarette prices. “When we looked at the numbers we realised that it was just too expensive to start a nicotine addiction in Australia,” said Ralph Kenny who has started his own nicotine addiction in Uganda. “The government over here offers fewer restrictions to the smoking of darts, and doesn’t punish those who do.”
South Australian MP, Joe Monash appears to agree with dissenters. In a statement released by his office this morning he wrote:
“South Australia used to have one of the highest rates of smoking in the country back in the 60s and 70s. It was a history that we could be proud of and I personally don’t think that we would have seen the great Australian addiction we have today without it.”

South Australian pioneer durrymakers
South Australian pioneer durrymakers

Labor have attacked the plan saying that if anything the government should be handing out free cigarettes. That position has caused discord with the Greens who this afternoon released a statement saying that everyone’s durries should be collected and then distributed equally.