Terrified by the potential influx of immigrants from the recent super-typhoon Hiyan, Australians are digging deep to ensure that what happens in the Philippines stays in the Philippines. Breaking their usual radio-silence on boats and boat related issues, the Coalition government has urged Australian citizens to donate to humanitarian efforts in order to ensure the future of Australian Caucasian sovereignty.
“Prevention is better than a cure,” Minister for Cessation of Floating Transportation Platforms told this reporter. “Housing refugees, as well as the dilution of our way of life is a very expensive enterprise. If every Australian donated enough for a can of beans, a tarp and a bottle of water, then that’s one more Filipino family who won’t want to seek refuge in Australia,” he concluded.
It’s a sentiment echoed by many prominent voices in the community including the spokesperson for the Thinly Veiled Racism Association, Heimac Untt. “We’re of course extremely concerned about the welfare of people in the Philippines,” Untt said. “And you know many prominent scientists say that enduring the inevitable societal, economic and traumatic aftermath of the disaster will be better for those people than journeying by boat to Australia. It’s like Alfred when he talks to Bruce Wayne, why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. Which is exactly why we should show zero amnesty to those fleeing their utterly destroyed homeland,” he concluded.
The federal government has announced a raft of measures to prevent not only Filipino but other arrivals from troubled parts of the world. In a document released to the media Friday, the Coalition outlined their plans to increase co2 emissions and introduce Velociraptors to Christmas Island.
A press statement released parallel to the documents describes the methodology behind the co2 increase. “In league with our commitment to discourage boat arrivals we will be increasing Australia’s co2 emissions. The result of which will increase extreme weather patterns in oceanic lanes used by people smugglers and send a strong message. Whatever terrors people are fleeing from, the Australian government is willing to at least match or increase those terrors, only then will we be able to fulfill our humanitarian commitments.” The document concludes that the immigration problem faced by Australia is definitely the worst in the world. “The problem of refugees and illegal immigration in Australia is definitely the worst in the world. Other countries might only get one or two refugees per year since they’re separated by long distances of land. Australia however is surrounded by easy-to-traverse water, you basically sit down the whole time,” the report states. “These new arrivals won’t be anything like the last generation of immigrants who contributed to the proliferation of adopted Saturday-night classics like Gyros and Pizza.”
The latest polling data suggests that Filipino immigrants will be ‘scary’ and will try to ‘vampirically consume all that we used to hold dear’.”
Australians fearing an influx of Filipino immigrants can shore up the country’s defense against boat arrivals by donating at the Philippine Red Cross website or simply leave their car running in the driveway overnight.
The Southeast Asian private security industry is in turmoil after a mysterious plague of insomnia quickly spread through its employees. Once able to sleep all day, through almost any disturbance, security guards are now alert and unable to whittle away the long and arduous hours of guarding via sleep. It’s a tragedy which is quickly gaining traction in the media and there are already demands that governments intervene with an inquiry. ValiumCorp is working on an extremely concentrated Diazepam treatment but so far test subjects are not chemically responding as expected.
Behind the emergency and growing media fervor the real victims remain the guards themselves. To speak to them about their experiences is to look into the heart of darkness and despair itself.
“I used to just sleep through my shift and it was great,” one guard told us who wishes to remain anonymous. “When I heard about guards suddenly not being able to sleep I thought it could never happen to me, that it was just an urban legend, but I was wrong and soon found myself in the same position.”
Indeed the severity of the crisis means that guards are turning to extreme measures just to get by.
“I get so bored now when I find myself unable to sleep,” he continued. “I try to whittle away the time by watching for suspicious people on the street, opening the gate for visitors and ensuring the security of the facility but it’s nothing compared to going to sleep for hours at a time,” the guard said, starting to weep.
It seems as though the human cost to this epidemic will be felt for a long time to come. Whatever happens, we must above all, as conscientious people think after the poor security guards who have been effected most acutely. We must remind ourselves to take sleep at work when we can and to pray that we should never have to actually do our prescribed jobs just to whittle away our workdays.
The Coalition government has received mixed criticism for a raft of proposed changes to Australia’s taxation and superannuation systems. The government will abandon Labor plans to tax super earnings of over $100,000 dollars. At the same time the Liberals will reverse an arrangement which contributes an additional $500 per annum to super funds of individuals earning under $37,000 a year. Coalition voters have universally praised the superannuation policy, perceived by many as an end to the insidious wealth redistribution of the previous government.
However it’s not all good news for Australian taxpayers, public outrage has sparked over the proposed increase of $2.50 to a pack of 20 cigarettes.
“Look, frankly we’re pretty disappointed with the Coalition’s stance on smokers,” said Greg Davies, Programme Coordinator for the Department of Binge Smoking. “The long held wisdom of trickle-down durrynomics is very clear about good fiscal policy. If you punish the people smoking durries then less people are going to keep on buying packs to contribute tax to the government or hand durries out to other people,” he said. “If you punish the heavy smokers, then people will just start up smoking overseas and the Australian taxpayer will suffer as a consequence,” Davies concluded.
It’s a sentiment echoed by many Australians who have moved overseas to avoid the staggeringly high cigarette prices. “When we looked at the numbers we realised that it was just too expensive to start a nicotine addiction in Australia,” said Ralph Kenny who has started his own nicotine addiction in Uganda. “The government over here offers fewer restrictions to the smoking of darts, and doesn’t punish those who do.”
South Australian MP, Joe Monash appears to agree with dissenters. In a statement released by his office this morning he wrote:
“South Australia used to have one of the highest rates of smoking in the country back in the 60s and 70s. It was a history that we could be proud of and I personally don’t think that we would have seen the great Australian addiction we have today without it.”
Labor have attacked the plan saying that if anything the government should be handing out free cigarettes. That position has caused discord with the Greens who this afternoon released a statement saying that everyone’s durries should be collected and then distributed equally.
Last night the Queensland government passed legislation in preparation for the G20 events being held in Cairns and Brizvegas. Locals who do not pass criminal history checks will be denied access to restricted zones. Alternate accommodation will be provided at the cost of a few hundred dollars, according to Police Minister Jack Dempsey.
Subsequently, rioting and crime have wracked Queensland as citizens attempt to qualify for compensation.
“The baby bonus bubble was going to burst, and everyone in the business knew it,” said Michael Sass. “Times have been tough since then, but I’m confident that I can obtain a criminal record in time for the payout.”
But not everyone’s happy with the legislation; this afternoon, Reptile Flight Association spokesperson, Hiss Imalizard expressed outrage with the move.
“The ban of Lizards and remote control planes in those zones is a big blow and will set flying lizardry back decades,” She said. “Lizard pilots are also appalled at the ban of eggs in the zone, as if simply banning Lizards wasn’t enough.” She added.
Opposition police spokesperson Bill Byrne told Parliament last night that the legislation was for pussies.
“I am somewhat surprised that some of the offence provisions have quite light sentences attached, and I consider the boundaries of the restricted and declared areas to be minimalist,” he jibed.
The G20 events will hosted in Cairns and Brizvegas late next year.
….Australian Environment Minister, Greg Hunt, has come under attack for his suggestion that there is no connection between climate change and bushfires after looking up the subject on Wikipedia. Hunt’s comments come in the wake of prominent scientists, politicians and environmental groups voicing their concern about a link between bushfires and climate change.
….Hunt who extensively read several pages from Wikipedia said that it was clear that bushfires in Australia had occurred even before European settlement, rendering other arguments null and void. Hunt’s rock solid scientific analysis would have settled the matter if it weren’t for a Wikipedia contributor who noticed an anomaly on the Greg Hunt Wiki page. On Wednesday October 16 a Wikipedia poster ‘dickfart92’ wrote the following on the Hunt page:
“It is a little known fact that Greg Hunt is in fact a Reptilian”
….According to the Reptilian Wikipedia page, reptilians are a race of subterranean monsters able to shift their forms and assume the visage of a person. They are also highly secretive and reputedly control the mafia, the seven Jewish bankers and the Illuminati. If simply being posted on Wikipedia wasn’t enough evidence of Greg Hunt’s true reptilian nature, the article was soon removed.
….The suppression of information is a lynchpin of the Reptilian strategy for concealment, which allows them to rule the world from the shadows without risking exposure. It also makes sense that Greg Hunt would be opposed to the science of climate change and any attempts to reduce human co2 emissions. A warmer climate, while destructive to the human race, would be a better home for the coldblooded creatures as they pursue their aims of colonization.
….It is clear that the threat posed by reptilian imposed climate change denial will be a major challenge for the dwindling free humans of the world. Already, teams of scientists are feverishly reading Wikipedia articles in the hopes of finding an exploitable weak point to use against our secretive lizard overlords.