Same sex couples flock to Manus Island

Same sex couples including those who have had their marriages retrospectively annulled by the High Court are flocking en-masse to Manus Island in an attempt to be tortured by the Australian government. It’s been a longstanding belief in the heterosexual community that marriage is the worst torture of all. Same sex couples are hoping that the same horrible treatment will be applied to them when they arrive by boat.

Not anymore, suckers
Not anymore, suckers

“It would be totally horrible if we were forced to live together in holy matrimony for as long as we both shall live,” Said Barry who along with his partner George hurried to Manus Island disguised as Muslims. “It would really deter me from seeking to stay in Australia,” he continued, getting into character.

“When I saw on TV that the Australian Government has a total disregard for law on Manus Island, both domestic and international, I thought this might just be the chance we were looking for,” said George. “The lack of water and basic human amenities is a little worrying but to be honest we’ve had a lot of practice at being second class citizens,” he concluded.

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Terrorist immigrants violently protest against Australia

Despite the best efforts of many couples seeking refuge in the Manus Island Torture Hellhole Facility (MITHF) the Australian government has begun diverting boats bound to Manus Island from Australia to Papua New Guinea (PNG).

“We got really lucky and were simply sent back to Australia,” said Lisa who stood visibly shaken next to her partner Georgina. “When we were picked up by immigration they said they might send us to PNG where homosexuality is illegal and may be reported to police. Thank god we’ll be sent to Australia where lesbianism is barely considered sex at all,” she added with a tired smile.

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Two nuclear (family) terrorists and an incredibly well balanced abductee

At a press conference in Canberra the Australian government denied accusations of hypocrisy.

“Some people out there in the press gallery clearly aren’t paying enough attention to the facts,” a government spokesperson said. “The argument that we’re hypocrites because we’re upholding federal law here and not to our charges overseas is a misrepresentation. The propagation of human suffering is something that Australia takes very seriously and you will find that our record on that matter is consistent. It’s a policy that we will continue to hold domestically and as part of our immigration and foreign policy,” he concluded.

Investigative report finds media ‘just a bunch of people’

In an age where newspaper readership is dwindling and online news subscription models are failing to connect with consumers, are human ritual sacrifices still the best solution for an ailing mainstream media? Recently, shocking revelations have surfaced to challenge the existing paradigm. It says in the ancient texts that media made man in its image, but can man seek to become a media itself? In a six month undercover investigation, reporter Jo Bloggs has uncovered controversial evidence that ‘the media’ is in fact composed entirely of people.

“I started out by following newspaper delivery trucks in the early morning,” Bloggs said. “But they kept on losing me when they would drive on the wrong side of the road, stopping frequently, to check to see if there was anyone tailing them. There appeared to be human-esque thralls driving the vehicles, but at that point I couldn’t be sure. Eventually one of the trucks led me back to a large structure, presumably a defensive chitin for the media that lay within.”

………There appeared to be human-esque thralls driving the vehicles, but at that point I couldn’t be sure.”

Strange defensive chitin and artist's depiction of 'the media'
Strange defensive chitin and artist’s depiction of ‘the media’

“I took a big risk to navigate the rotating trap door and entered the structure,” She said. Nothing could have prepared her for what she found inside. “People. Rows and rows of people sitting down at desks and diligently producing news. It was a revelation, but over the weeks I spent inside posing as a janitor I can confirm that the media is composed almost entirely of people: Many of whom express a trait similar to human free-will.”

………“Rows and rows of people sitting down at desks and diligently producing news.”

The implications are staggering. If Bloggs is to be believed then it means anyone has the potential to be a media and blood sacrifices to keep the media fair and balanced may have less impact than previously thought.

“The idea that media is just people is completely ludicrous,” John Smith, leader of the Cult of Media (CoM) said at a sacrificial ceremony, Monday. “We can only hope that miss Bloggs stops her heresy before the great and powerful media turns his bitter gaze upon us, tainting our news supplies.”

In a written statement following the event CoM reiterated Smith’s position denying the allegations of personhood in the media. “Can you imagine a world where there was no benevolent media overlord? A life in which people relied on their own peers for their worldview? How much time would be wasted by bloggers, independent news outlets and individuals in the pursuit of the truth.” The statement ended with the traditional CoM prayer. “May the media landscape remain unchanged, always.”

Australians dig deep to stop future Filipino boat arrivals

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Terrified by the potential influx of immigrants from the recent super-typhoon Hiyan, Australians are digging deep to ensure that what happens in the Philippines stays in the Philippines. Breaking their usual radio-silence on boats and boat related issues, the Coalition government has urged Australian citizens to donate to humanitarian efforts in order to ensure the future of Australian Caucasian sovereignty.
“Prevention is better than a cure,” Minister for Cessation of Floating Transportation Platforms told this reporter. “Housing refugees, as well as the dilution of our way of life is a very expensive enterprise. If every Australian donated enough for a can of beans, a tarp and a bottle of water, then that’s one more Filipino family who won’t want to seek refuge in Australia,” he concluded.
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It’s a sentiment echoed by many prominent voices in the community including the spokesperson for the Thinly Veiled Racism Association, Heimac Untt. “We’re of course extremely concerned about the welfare of people in the Philippines,” Untt said. “And you know many prominent scientists say that enduring the inevitable societal, economic and traumatic aftermath of the disaster will be better for those people than journeying by boat to Australia. It’s like Alfred when he talks to Bruce Wayne, why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. Which is exactly why we should show zero amnesty to those fleeing their utterly destroyed homeland,” he concluded.
The federal government has announced a raft of measures to prevent not only Filipino but other arrivals from troubled parts of the world. In a document released to the media Friday, the Coalition outlined their plans to increase co2 emissions and introduce Velociraptors to Christmas Island.
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A press statement released parallel to the documents describes the methodology behind the co2 increase. “In league with our commitment to discourage boat arrivals we will be increasing Australia’s co2 emissions. The result of which will increase extreme weather patterns in oceanic lanes used by people smugglers and send a strong message. Whatever terrors people are fleeing from, the Australian government is willing to at least match or increase those terrors, only then will we be able to fulfill our humanitarian commitments.” The document concludes that the immigration problem faced by Australia is definitely the worst in the world. “The problem of refugees and illegal immigration in Australia is definitely the worst in the world. Other countries might only get one or two refugees per year since they’re separated by long distances of land. Australia however is surrounded by easy-to-traverse water, you basically sit down the whole time,” the report states. “These new arrivals won’t be anything like the last generation of immigrants who contributed to the proliferation of adopted Saturday-night classics like Gyros and Pizza.”
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The latest polling data suggests that Filipino immigrants will be ‘scary’ and will try to ‘vampirically consume all that we used to hold dear’.”
Australians fearing an influx of Filipino immigrants can shore up the country’s defense against boat arrivals by donating at the Philippine Red Cross website or simply leave their car running in the driveway overnight.

Link to the Philippine Red Cross website

Insomnia plagues security guards

The Southeast Asian private security industry is in turmoil after a mysterious plague of insomnia quickly spread through its employees. Once able to sleep all day, through almost any disturbance, security guards are now alert and unable to whittle away the long and arduous hours of guarding via sleep. It’s a tragedy which is quickly gaining traction in the media and there are already demands that governments intervene with an inquiry. ValiumCorp is working on an extremely concentrated Diazepam treatment but so far test subjects are not chemically responding as expected.

The grand tradition of sleeping on the job is under threat by the inexplicable awakedness epidemic
The grand tradition of sleeping on the job is under threat by the inexplicable awakedness epidemic

Behind the emergency and growing media fervor the real victims remain the guards themselves. To speak to them about their experiences is to look into the heart of darkness and despair itself.
“I used to just sleep through my shift and it was great,” one guard told us who wishes to remain anonymous. “When I heard about guards suddenly not being able to sleep I thought it could never happen to me, that it was just an urban legend, but I was wrong and soon found myself in the same position.”
Indeed the severity of the crisis means that guards are turning to extreme measures just to get by.
“I get so bored now when I find myself unable to sleep,” he continued. “I try to whittle away the time by watching for suspicious people on the street, opening the gate for visitors and ensuring the security of the facility but it’s nothing compared to going to sleep for hours at a time,” the guard said, starting to weep.
It seems as though the human cost to this epidemic will be felt for a long time to come. Whatever happens, we must above all, as conscientious people think after the poor security guards who have been effected most acutely. We must remind ourselves to take sleep at work when we can and to pray that we should never have to actually do our prescribed jobs just to whittle away our workdays.