...."Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives... and to the "good life", whatever it is and wherever it happens to be."
-- Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman
….Controversy has erupted over documents which appear to have been leaked from the upcoming Australian Federal Budget.
The documents purportedly detail the federal government’s new approach to aged care, disability support and health services among other areas.
….If the leak is to be believed, the budget will ignore many of the recommendations presented in the government’s commission of audit in favor of more decisive measures.
….One area of the budget describes the new government policy of setting the elderly, disabled and chronically ill adrift on Antarctic ice floes.
….“The policy addresses the fact that some people are unable to contribute to society in a time of heavy lifting and should therefore be given a gracious way out,” the document reads. “First there is a cold, a terrible, bitter cold. But after a while there’s just sleepiness. Aren’t you tired after your lifetime of contributions to Australia? Just shut your eyes, it’s really that easy.”
….The documents have provoked dissent from within the Coalition with some individuals revealing to Robolenin.com that the budgetary decision caused a schism within the party room.
….“We were divided pretty much 50/50,” the informant said. “Many of us believed that putting people onto the ice flows was ridiculous. Australia has some of the best desert wasteland in the world and it is absurd that the taxpayer would pay the cost to have these people transported to a barren freezing hellscape.”
….Robolenin.com reached out to the government for comment but were told that the Australia does not comment on frozen water operations.
….The disquiet comes at a difficult time for a government faced with crumbling approval ratings and a rapidly diminishing supply of nonreplenishable synonyms for the word ‘tax’.
….Other major shakeups in the documents include a re-imagined social security system. The Coal for the Dole program will see Centerlink applicants sent to open cut mines across the country. Payments will be issued to customers as a percentage of coal mined.
….The budget also includes provision for a HECS Heavy Lifting pilot program which will explore the ability for arts and climate science students to pay off their university debts via coal enterprise.
….Finally, the documents have revealed details regarding the government’s immigration and direct action climate policy. The Rickshaws for Citizenship initiative aims to provide a cheap, infinitely replenishable workforce to mitigate the negative effects of climate change.
….“We examined many models for direct action on climate change,” the documents read. “But the one that really struck a chord with us was indentured servitude. While some might think that forcing immigrants to pull rickshaws for a decade after coming to Australia is extreme, we think that it’s a natural next step in Australia’s immigration policy and a pivotal point in the country’s attitude towards carbon emissions,” the document concluded.