All posts by robolenin

Robolenin Reviews Reality

From the explosive phenomenon that brought us the big bang comes, Reality, but does it live up to the hype?

Robolenin Reviews


People are always on my ass, trying to get me into the new thing. Have you watched Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad or Mad Men; have you played Portal, X-COM or Portal? The barrage is relentless, but above all people seem to have this mad infatuation with Reality. Now you might be thinking, oh he’s some hip contrarian who hates things when they get big, I bet he hasn’t even given Reality a shot.

Not true guys, I tune in occasionally.

In all seriousness though, despite its bright and shining promise, Reality has some serious flaws that really hamper my enjoyment. So for posterity, here’s Robolenin’s review of Reality.

First off, the whole mystery shtick has caused a lot of disagreement and dissention within the fanbase. Every forum on the net has mountains of threads full of people bickering about Bhudda this or Yoga that or Jungian-universal-consciousness whatever. I understand you want a little bit of mystery and that viral marketing has its place, but there’s a point where you have to give a little something to an audience, else they feel like they’ve been pulled into a fucking David Lynch picture. I hear the European version has some extra features that clear up a bit of the confusion, but for those of us in Australia, the release is probably quite some time off.

Secondly the saturation of Reality has absolutely killed it. Think back to when you heard that thirty second Daft Punk lick online for the first time. Wasn’t it great? Then you got the minute long version, then the two minute version and so on until the song drops and you’re not even excited. It’s like the incremental release somehow immunised yourself to the joy of a new Daft Punk track, well, it’s the same with Reality. I can remember a few memories of a crib here and a few of taking my first tentative steps there then BAM, by the time I’m able to self-identify as a conscious being I couldn’t help but feel jaded by the whole experience.

While we’re talking about the first act I feel it would be remiss of me not to mention what felt like years of tedious exposition. Things started to look a little more exciting after highschool but it turned out to be one of Reality’s much lauded twists, descending into some of the most clichéd depictions of a young adult I’ve seen thus far. Even now in my twenty-fourth year of Reality, much of the time just feels like filler leading up to a series finale which may never come. Moreover It’s hard to grind through this stuff when the characters who you’re meant to identify with are so stilted and poorly written. Reality could do very well by picking up the old script-writer’s handbook and taking a hard look at what it means to be a person. You’ve got to make your people likeable, otherwise you’re not going to care about the motivations or the journeys that should be the bread and butter of the piece. I get that the Game of Thrones school of barely likeable, frenetic psychopaths is in right now, and god knows I love it.  But it has its place, and that place is not in Reality.

The humour is also extremely taxing, with the same terrible jokes being played over and over again.  Yep, we get it, gay people should be able to get married, the military-industrial complex could feed the world, nationalism is just a figment of our collective tribal unease. Reality isn’t Black Books or Fawlty Towers, leave the black comedy to the people who are actually able to pull it off. This isn’t to say there haven’t been some delightful and hilarious cameos over the years; Bill Hicks, Christopher Hitchens and Carl Sagan immediately spring to mind, but I’m sure we all can’t help but feel that they went before their time. It’s like Reality couldn’t afford to keep them on the payroll for more than a brief moment, I suppose they had other projects to work on.

It’s difficult to do a review of Reality, mostly because everybody goes into the show with a different perspective. There’s a lot of room for interpretation and I can imagine that even now some of you are eagerly awaiting the next instalment while others would much prefer to bury their heads in a computer. It’s cool, I’m not one to judge. Honestly though I feel like Reality is a hot mess of wasted potential. If only the characters were kinder, more inquisitive, less afraid. if the setting was a little bit warmer, more welcoming and genuine. If the producers could see it fit to let everyone have an equal amount of screen time in their beautiful but fleeting cameos.

And if they could just monetise the fucking thing a bit better so I could buy the thing legitimately in Australia, that would be great too.

Until then we’ll just have to pirate the shitty version.


[The short version: Reality gets three ambiguous feelings of loss out of five]


Aussie Aussie Aussie, oi oi oi. Get that patriotic feeling flowing with a disgusting combination of foods that you never thought of combining. Now that New Zealand has shat all over our delusion of being the fair-go lucky-country by legalizing gay marriage before us, patriotic food might be our last bastion of national comfort. Here is a step by step guide for dulling the shame.


MeatPieGet yourself a meat pie. I chose a square meat pie here but you could use circular meat pies if you want. Elliptical pies are also possible, but not recommended.

20130421_161649Now, furiously deploy your Hungry Jacks Whopper. No other Whopper will suffice. Resist the temptation to use a Burger King Whopper as it may result in gangrene.



20130421_161734Open that bitch right up. For those following along at home, behold, you approach the zenith of greatness! Don’t throw those pickles away either or I’ll come to your house and bash you bro.

20130421_161742Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

20130421_161841This meal is an incredibly good source of Iron, Man.

So there you have it. Tuck in and feel our backward country’s shame dissipate, as you fill yourself with bastardized national food.

Final Verdict:

As Australian as you can get without being a wobble-board-playing-sex-offender.


Mills and Bacon

John quivered. The smell of bacon hung thick in the air. 

He lifted the burger out of the bag, dazzled by her beauty. He’d never seen this particular burger presented so well. From the nutritional information that belied her subtle paper folds to the crispy fries that scattered from her bag like a deep fried halo. This image elicited a dark desire in John, he started to pull at her wrapping, salivating with carnal hunger. The wrapping offered no resistance save a sultry slop as the mayonnaise gave way. 

A thin strip of lettuce dropped to the ground, unnoticed by the young and the hungry. Slipping his hands fully under the wrapper he felt her warm rounded buns, punctuated daintily by sesame seeds. Her tomato arched out towards John in response to his strong grip, wet, glistening and ripe.

John stopped and looked her slowly up and down;

Bun, lettuce, tomato, cheese, pattie, bacon, cheese, pattie…


He couldn’t restrain himself anymore and worked his lips around those exquisite buns. Biting and licking, the two became intertwined, a wild thrashing of limbs and gnawing of teeth. Cheese and sauce, pattie and bun in a culmination of every perceivable mastication fantasy. Then, in that most precious of spots, John turned his attention to the bacon, relishing in flavor and texture like a man possessed . Every fiber of his being dedicated to the perfect oral sensation; An electric feeling that rises from a barely perceivable craving, natural like a heartbeat, then wild and passionate as summer rains! Summer rains that smell of grease

and fingers slick with mayonnaise.