Investigative report finds media ‘just a bunch of people’

In an age where newspaper readership is dwindling and online news subscription models are failing to connect with consumers, are human ritual sacrifices still the best solution for an ailing mainstream media? Recently, shocking revelations have surfaced to challenge the existing paradigm. It says in the ancient texts that media made man in its image, but can man seek to become a media itself? In a six month undercover investigation, reporter Jo Bloggs has uncovered controversial evidence that ‘the media’ is in fact composed entirely of people.

“I started out by following newspaper delivery trucks in the early morning,” Bloggs said. “But they kept on losing me when they would drive on the wrong side of the road, stopping frequently, to check to see if there was anyone tailing them. There appeared to be human-esque thralls driving the vehicles, but at that point I couldn’t be sure. Eventually one of the trucks led me back to a large structure, presumably a defensive chitin for the media that lay within.”

………There appeared to be human-esque thralls driving the vehicles, but at that point I couldn’t be sure.”

Strange defensive chitin and artist's depiction of 'the media'
Strange defensive chitin and artist’s depiction of ‘the media’

“I took a big risk to navigate the rotating trap door and entered the structure,” She said. Nothing could have prepared her for what she found inside. “People. Rows and rows of people sitting down at desks and diligently producing news. It was a revelation, but over the weeks I spent inside posing as a janitor I can confirm that the media is composed almost entirely of people: Many of whom express a trait similar to human free-will.”

………“Rows and rows of people sitting down at desks and diligently producing news.”

The implications are staggering. If Bloggs is to be believed then it means anyone has the potential to be a media and blood sacrifices to keep the media fair and balanced may have less impact than previously thought.

“The idea that media is just people is completely ludicrous,” John Smith, leader of the Cult of Media (CoM) said at a sacrificial ceremony, Monday. “We can only hope that miss Bloggs stops her heresy before the great and powerful media turns his bitter gaze upon us, tainting our news supplies.”

In a written statement following the event CoM reiterated Smith’s position denying the allegations of personhood in the media. “Can you imagine a world where there was no benevolent media overlord? A life in which people relied on their own peers for their worldview? How much time would be wasted by bloggers, independent news outlets and individuals in the pursuit of the truth.” The statement ended with the traditional CoM prayer. “May the media landscape remain unchanged, always.”

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