Libs refuse to rule out $5 GP fee

The Commission of Audit established by Prime Minister Tony Abbott has struck pure gold once again with a recommendation to impose a $5 charge for bulk billed visits to your GP.
The move, described by observers as “almost as good of an idea as privatizing HECS debt” has received universal acclaim with almost nobody thinking that it was a really really dumb fucking idea.
Minister for Health, Peter Dutton has refused to clarify speculation about the proposal.

File photo of a doctor
File photo of ‘a doctor’

“The commission’s work is still being compiled and will be provided to the government in 2014,” Dutton said in a prepared statement. “The government will be able to consider any recommendations and respond after that time,” he concluded.
The Australian Centre for Health Research has urged the Coalition government to consider the move which could potentially improve the budget’s health by $750 million dollars over four years.
A research paper prepared by Tony Abbott’s former health adviser Terry Barnes has argued that a co-payment system could significantly reduce the amount of GP visits.
“This is very affordable to most Australian households, even the less well off. We’re talking about the cost of a burger and fries,” Barnes actually said alluding to his love for Happy Meals® in the 1990s.

Google image result for 'Australian Barnes'
Google image result for ‘Australian Barnes’

The Australian health system has been plagued for years by unnecessary trips to the doctor. Observers have said that every step should be taken to discourage people from going to see their GP, especially men who are generally known for their zealousness in addressing potential health concerns.
The Australian taxpayer can only hope that cries of “I should get this strange lump examined” or “I am in a tumultuous emotional state and need to speak to a medical professional,” will be silenced by implementation of the policy.
Under the plan pensioners and concession card holders will be exempt from the fee. Nuclear families will receive 12 free visits per year as they attempt to survive assassination by homosexuals and polygamists.
The proposition has received so much support from the community that other sectors of Australian life are planning similar legislation. Constable Faye Kname of South Australian Police (SAPOL) is leading the push for a $5 fee to go outside your house.

A speed camera (pictured) captures dangerous criminals
A speed camera (pictured) captures dangerous criminals

“Studies have indicated an almost irrefutable link between leaving ones house and the committing of petty crime,” Kname said in a prepared statement.
“A fee to discourage people from leaving their homes would both help the state budget and allow Police to divert resources to more important matters like revenue generation,” she concluded.

Same sex couples flock to Manus Island

Same sex couples including those who have had their marriages retrospectively annulled by the High Court are flocking en-masse to Manus Island in an attempt to be tortured by the Australian government. It’s been a longstanding belief in the heterosexual community that marriage is the worst torture of all. Same sex couples are hoping that the same horrible treatment will be applied to them when they arrive by boat.

Not anymore, suckers
Not anymore, suckers

“It would be totally horrible if we were forced to live together in holy matrimony for as long as we both shall live,” Said Barry who along with his partner George hurried to Manus Island disguised as Muslims. “It would really deter me from seeking to stay in Australia,” he continued, getting into character.

“When I saw on TV that the Australian Government has a total disregard for law on Manus Island, both domestic and international, I thought this might just be the chance we were looking for,” said George. “The lack of water and basic human amenities is a little worrying but to be honest we’ve had a lot of practice at being second class citizens,” he concluded.

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Terrorist immigrants violently protest against Australia

Despite the best efforts of many couples seeking refuge in the Manus Island Torture Hellhole Facility (MITHF) the Australian government has begun diverting boats bound to Manus Island from Australia to Papua New Guinea (PNG).

“We got really lucky and were simply sent back to Australia,” said Lisa who stood visibly shaken next to her partner Georgina. “When we were picked up by immigration they said they might send us to PNG where homosexuality is illegal and may be reported to police. Thank god we’ll be sent to Australia where lesbianism is barely considered sex at all,” she added with a tired smile.

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Two nuclear (family) terrorists and an incredibly well balanced abductee

At a press conference in Canberra the Australian government denied accusations of hypocrisy.

“Some people out there in the press gallery clearly aren’t paying enough attention to the facts,” a government spokesperson said. “The argument that we’re hypocrites because we’re upholding federal law here and not to our charges overseas is a misrepresentation. The propagation of human suffering is something that Australia takes very seriously and you will find that our record on that matter is consistent. It’s a policy that we will continue to hold domestically and as part of our immigration and foreign policy,” he concluded.

Investigative report finds media ‘just a bunch of people’

In an age where newspaper readership is dwindling and online news subscription models are failing to connect with consumers, are human ritual sacrifices still the best solution for an ailing mainstream media? Recently, shocking revelations have surfaced to challenge the existing paradigm. It says in the ancient texts that media made man in its image, but can man seek to become a media itself? In a six month undercover investigation, reporter Jo Bloggs has uncovered controversial evidence that ‘the media’ is in fact composed entirely of people.

“I started out by following newspaper delivery trucks in the early morning,” Bloggs said. “But they kept on losing me when they would drive on the wrong side of the road, stopping frequently, to check to see if there was anyone tailing them. There appeared to be human-esque thralls driving the vehicles, but at that point I couldn’t be sure. Eventually one of the trucks led me back to a large structure, presumably a defensive chitin for the media that lay within.”

………There appeared to be human-esque thralls driving the vehicles, but at that point I couldn’t be sure.”

Strange defensive chitin and artist's depiction of 'the media'
Strange defensive chitin and artist’s depiction of ‘the media’

“I took a big risk to navigate the rotating trap door and entered the structure,” She said. Nothing could have prepared her for what she found inside. “People. Rows and rows of people sitting down at desks and diligently producing news. It was a revelation, but over the weeks I spent inside posing as a janitor I can confirm that the media is composed almost entirely of people: Many of whom express a trait similar to human free-will.”

………“Rows and rows of people sitting down at desks and diligently producing news.”

The implications are staggering. If Bloggs is to be believed then it means anyone has the potential to be a media and blood sacrifices to keep the media fair and balanced may have less impact than previously thought.

“The idea that media is just people is completely ludicrous,” John Smith, leader of the Cult of Media (CoM) said at a sacrificial ceremony, Monday. “We can only hope that miss Bloggs stops her heresy before the great and powerful media turns his bitter gaze upon us, tainting our news supplies.”

In a written statement following the event CoM reiterated Smith’s position denying the allegations of personhood in the media. “Can you imagine a world where there was no benevolent media overlord? A life in which people relied on their own peers for their worldview? How much time would be wasted by bloggers, independent news outlets and individuals in the pursuit of the truth.” The statement ended with the traditional CoM prayer. “May the media landscape remain unchanged, always.”