Insomnia plagues security guards

The Southeast Asian private security industry is in turmoil after a mysterious plague of insomnia quickly spread through its employees. Once able to sleep all day, through almost any disturbance, security guards are now alert and unable to whittle away the long and arduous hours of guarding via sleep. It’s a tragedy which is quickly gaining traction in the media and there are already demands that governments intervene with an inquiry. ValiumCorp is working on an extremely concentrated Diazepam treatment but so far test subjects are not chemically responding as expected.

The grand tradition of sleeping on the job is under threat by the inexplicable awakedness epidemic
The grand tradition of sleeping on the job is under threat by the inexplicable awakedness epidemic

Behind the emergency and growing media fervor the real victims remain the guards themselves. To speak to them about their experiences is to look into the heart of darkness and despair itself.
“I used to just sleep through my shift and it was great,” one guard told us who wishes to remain anonymous. “When I heard about guards suddenly not being able to sleep I thought it could never happen to me, that it was just an urban legend, but I was wrong and soon found myself in the same position.”
Indeed the severity of the crisis means that guards are turning to extreme measures just to get by.
“I get so bored now when I find myself unable to sleep,” he continued. “I try to whittle away the time by watching for suspicious people on the street, opening the gate for visitors and ensuring the security of the facility but it’s nothing compared to going to sleep for hours at a time,” the guard said, starting to weep.
It seems as though the human cost to this epidemic will be felt for a long time to come. Whatever happens, we must above all, as conscientious people think after the poor security guards who have been effected most acutely. We must remind ourselves to take sleep at work when we can and to pray that we should never have to actually do our prescribed jobs just to whittle away our workdays.

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