Last night the Queensland government passed legislation in preparation for the G20 events being held in Cairns and Brizvegas. Locals who do not pass criminal history checks will be denied access to restricted zones. Alternate accommodation will be provided at the cost of a few hundred dollars, according to Police Minister Jack Dempsey.
Subsequently, rioting and crime have wracked Queensland as citizens attempt to qualify for compensation.
“The baby bonus bubble was going to burst, and everyone in the business knew it,” said Michael Sass. “Times have been tough since then, but I’m confident that I can obtain a criminal record in time for the payout.” But not everyone’s happy with the legislation; this afternoon, Reptile Flight Association spokesperson, Hiss Imalizard expressed outrage with the move.
“The ban of Lizards and remote control planes in those zones is a big blow and will set flying lizardry back decades,” She said. “Lizard pilots are also appalled at the ban of eggs in the zone, as if simply banning Lizards wasn’t enough.” She added. Opposition police spokesperson Bill Byrne told Parliament last night that the legislation was for pussies.
“I am somewhat surprised that some of the offence provisions have quite light sentences attached, and I consider the boundaries of the restricted and declared areas to be minimalist,” he jibed.
The G20 events will hosted in Cairns and Brizvegas late next year.
….Australian Environment Minister, Greg Hunt, has come under attack for his suggestion that there is no connection between climate change and bushfires after looking up the subject on Wikipedia. Hunt’s comments come in the wake of prominent scientists, politicians and environmental groups voicing their concern about a link between bushfires and climate change. ….Hunt who extensively read several pages from Wikipedia said that it was clear that bushfires in Australia had occurred even before European settlement, rendering other arguments null and void. Hunt’s rock solid scientific analysis would have settled the matter if it weren’t for a Wikipedia contributor who noticed an anomaly on the Greg Hunt Wiki page. On Wednesday October 16 a Wikipedia poster ‘dickfart92’ wrote the following on the Hunt page:
“It is a little known fact that Greg Hunt is in fact a Reptilian”
….According to the Reptilian Wikipedia page, reptilians are a race of subterranean monsters able to shift their forms and assume the visage of a person. They are also highly secretive and reputedly control the mafia, the seven Jewish bankers and the Illuminati. If simply being posted on Wikipedia wasn’t enough evidence of Greg Hunt’s true reptilian nature, the article was soon removed. ….The suppression of information is a lynchpin of the Reptilian strategy for concealment, which allows them to rule the world from the shadows without risking exposure. It also makes sense that Greg Hunt would be opposed to the science of climate change and any attempts to reduce human co2 emissions. A warmer climate, while destructive to the human race, would be a better home for the coldblooded creatures as they pursue their aims of colonization.
….It is clear that the threat posed by reptilian imposed climate change denial will be a major challenge for the dwindling free humans of the world. Already, teams of scientists are feverishly reading Wikipedia articles in the hopes of finding an exploitable weak point to use against our secretive lizard overlords.
In line with their party policy of cartoonish supervillainy, the Liberal government will consider selling your HECS debt to private sector investors.
The totally insane and egregiously offensive idea, uncovered by The West Australian, comes as part of the Government’s Commission of Audit. Treasurer Joe Hockey soothed Australia’s worries by telling The West that the Audit would be similar to the one conducted by the Howard government in ’96. Yay.
The ‘securitisation’ of Australia’s $22.6 billion AUD HECS debt would involve selling the responsibility for your HECS to the private sector, which would then be onsold to other investors. Whether or not this means that interest will be able to be applied to your debt is unknown. But wouldn’t it be genius for superannuation funds to invest in the burgeoning student misery market? It would be like the cherry on top of the irony cake, filled with a creamy center of becoming a politician because of a free university education then making the next generation pay for the same privilege. Delicious.
Mr. Bernard Livingston Smithe, Head of the Arts and Philosophy Megacorporation, ARTSCORP, told this reporter that the move would be good revenge for arts students across the country.
“After the great mining and engineering crash of last month and the meteoric rise in the profitability of arts degrees, we’ll finally get our own back against all those engineers,” Smithe said.
“They always joked about Arts students working at McDonalds, but now that a Philosophy degree has a 95% employment rate with a base wage of over $100,000 AUD we’ll see who gets the last laugh. If they didn’t want to be at risk of economic moves like the government is considering, they should have studied a sensible degree like Visual Art,” he concluded.
Oh, I almost forgot. They’re also considering selling Australia Post, because this type of shit worked out so well last time.
Before the federal election I would have derided anyone for suggesting that Clive Palmer would become a pivotal figure in Australian politics. The Palmer United Party, brainchild of eccentric billionaire Clive Palmer seemed so politically irrelevant as to warrant little more than an amusing dinner-party conversation.
From July 1 next year, the Palmer Bloc, an unlikely coalition of United senators and a Motoring Enthusiast will hold veto over any legislation jointly opposed by Labor and the Greens.
It would seem natural that a mining magnate such as Palmer would cast his weight behind Coalition legislation to benefit his business holdings. But what does the man with everything really need? And what is the reason that Palmer has dived into politics at all? I would argue it’s the same reason he’s opening dinosaur theme parks and rebuilding the Titanic. A legacy.
So Palmer wants a legacy, and now he’s got the political pull to influence national policy. But you still might think he’d be in bed with the Coalition. Apparently not. The hilarious beef between Palmer and Abbott continues to fuel left wing erections across the nation. Abbott is determined to not be reliant on Palmer for passing legislation and Palmer is determined to be a key player in federal politics.
Did I mention that this guy is rebuilding the Titanic? Palmer is most likely not taking kindly to the Coalition government’s attempts to break apart the Palmer block by negotiating with Ricky Muir directly.
At the very worst, Palmer will allow Coalition government legislation to pass against a united opposition of Labor and Greens. At the very best however, he’ll force the Coalition to make hilarious compromises with the Palmer Bloc, Labor or even the Greens if the policy is to be passed at all. There is the delicious possibility of a Whitlam-esque total deadlock in Australian politics. After all, it’s very early days and a hell of a long wait until the next federal election. Since the Australian electorate has the memory of a goldfish, Palmer, Labor and the Greens can afford to fuck with the Coalition.
Let’s hope they all give it a try.
It’s a long shot perhaps, and maybe the landscape of Australian politics will shift so that the government will be able to pass legislation unopposed. But for those of us lefties who were resigned to staying indoors for the next several years, Palmer is such a wonderful, colourful and eccentric thorn to see in the Coalition’s side.
If you’re reading this, Clive. I’d be happy to run for Boothby for you, next time around.
A meandering meditation on counterculture, geekdom and politics